This is a bit of a random post. I just felt the urge to get some words down in a cathartic kind of brain fart, mainly triggered by the fact that I will finally be moving soon.
It’s been over eight months since Ben, my husband, told me he no longer wanted to be with me. Not a day goes past that I don’t think about it. Whether it’s wondering where the cracks began, why I didn’t see them or what my life is going to be like going forward. It’s not something I feel depressed about or cry about anymore. I don’t want sympathy or pity. That isn’t what this post is about. I actually don’t know what this post is about. It’s just a mental dump, forgive me.
I’ve been given a completion date for the flat I’ve bought (finally) so should be moving Friday 4th December. Ben lives in Switzerland and is enjoying his new life out there, with a new job and ambitions. I’m happy for him. We still keep in touch and this makes me both happy and sad. We’re still friends but it’ll never be the same.
I’m happy in myself and enjoying life. I will never regret the time Ben and me had together because we had so many good times and we grew together as people. But I do worry about the future. I have a ticking clock in the back of my mind which I’ve never had before.
I don’t want to get all Bridget Jones and Sex and the City on you, but I do worry that I’ll be that girl. I’m not outgoing and don’t thrive hugely well in social situations… I won’t ‘put myself out there’. Insecurities have cropped up that I never had before… What was wrong with me? Will anyone want someone as running obsessed as me? Am I boring? Nothing makes you face your flaws like the thought of dating. I was with Ben from when I was just 18 and was still ‘finding myself’ and growing as a person. Well, I’ve found myself and there’s not much I can do about changing now. This is me.
Thankfully I’m not really ready to look for anyone else. I feel exhausted and terrified by the whole idea. I’m happy on my own and enjoying the truly selfish aspects that that entails. No one to dress up for, no one to look good for, no one to try and make a good impression for. Just me, sat at home in my pyjamas, my hair a mess, eating too many apples.
I just worry that’ll I’ll get used that lifestyle. It’s so easy to just get stuck into my routines, my habits and introversion. I know what I’m like. I can become very routine-fixed and like things ‘just so’ and without anyone else there to mess up those routines they only become a bit more ingrained. But, like I said, I like my life at the moment and I like those routines. On to the next chapter!
But, still, that damn ticking clock…
If you’re with someone, how did you find your partner?
If you’re single, are you happy being single?
Do you worry about the future? I never used to. I thought I had my whole life planned out.
Firstly, soooo glad you finally have a completion date on your flat. The whole house moving malarkey always seems to drag on forever. I am sure that once you are finally into your new home things will start to settle and hopefully life will become more routine again. Living with no furniture in the home you and Ben shared can only be a reminder of things every day.
I think it is perfectly natural to have worries about the future. Dan and I have been together nearly nine years now, and we also, have grown a lot during that time. I am definitely not the person now that I was back when we got together. Although Dan has changed, I think it is me who has done most of the growing as a person and developing in my own skin. I sometimes wonder if we settled together too quickly, if perhaps we were meant to wait until we’d finished growing into our adult selves before committing to a long term relationship. But I think thoughts like that can probably cause more harm than good. There are always ‘what ifs’.
We met at uni on a student union night out after Dan was involved in a dance off with another guy my friend had been chatting to!
I think society places a lot of pressure on us ladies to be successful in the workplace, look after the home, be perfect wives and bring up beautiful children. We’re told at what age we’re expected to achieve these things by, and it becomes this huge pressure. My worry is that I won’t be able to live up to that expectation and that I either won’t be able to have children, or won’t want them before it is too late.
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I can’t tell you how much of this post struck a chord with me. I thought I had my life all planned out at just 21. I was engaged, thought I was doing a job I’d do forever, planned to have 2 kids before the age of 30 etc. And then of course none of those things worked out!
When I was newly single everyone was telling me to ‘put myself out there’. But that just wasn’t me. I liked being at home and doing the things I enjoyed. And the pressure put on me by others to ‘find someone else’ was just ludicrous.
I happily ignored them and did my own thing for several years. Bought my own house, got a new job etc. And when I was good and ready I went on a few dates. There are soooo many weirdos out there though!! But I guess my point is that I am MUCH happier now than I have ever been and whilst I may not be married or have any children with my 30th birthday approaching next week, I wouldn’t swap my current situation for the life plan I had at 21 for any amount of money in the world.
P.S – your chin ups this morning – EPIC!
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How exciting that you have a moving date. It will be nice for you to be settled before Christmas.
I think you should just enjoy being able to do things for you at the moment and not worry about the future. Like you say, it’s only been 8 months and when you are ready, perhaps you will put yourself out there.
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I don’t know if you meant this in a desultory or positive/defiant sense, but I would really isolate this sentence from your post and keep it in mind – ‘Well, I’ve found myself and there’s not much I can do about changing now. This is me.’
Honestly, it really stuck out and I feel that you don’t ever need to apologize for or be ashamed of yourself. Take what I say with a grain of salt, because I know NOTHING about relationships at all, but I guess I have an outsider/different perspective on things? I don’t know…this post really struck a chord with me. I feel very isolated and given that I can’t communicate with others very well even on a basic social level I’m stuck on my own forever. It’s not as though I have looks going for me either…quite the opposite. I’m so far removed from what society expects from women that to an extent I’ve just had to decide to give all of those contrived notions the finger and try to get on with what aspects of life I can. My dream would be to be independent enough to be self-reliant and rescue/foster cats for the rest of my life. Yes, I aspire to be the joke that is the crazy cat lady.
I suppose what I’m saying is…well, there’s always someone out there doing a lot worse than you are! And that I don’t know if your internal clock is self-created or dictated by external factors. If it is the latter, then never let the world make you feel guilty for not fitting a ridiculously narrow model of how one ‘should live one’s life. Don’t want children? Who cares! It’s not selfish. If anything, it is possible to argue that having kids is as self-centered as not having them in an overpopulated world already full of suffering and strained for resources. If you do, there is still plenty of time. I wouldn’t panic. And I know for certain that there are plenty of guys out there as running-obsessed as both of us 😉
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And now I’ve annoyed myself because that ‘should obviously needs to be ‘should’ in my comment. Sorry.
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And now I’m hijacking the comments section it seems. I just wanted to clarify that when I said ‘worse’ I didn’t mean that you are somehow doing badly. It’s just that from my perspective you have so much going for you that I don’t; you’re smart, funny, athletic, engaging and beautiful, and I am sure that even though you are an introvert (and there’s nothing wrong with that!) there will be someone out there for you when you are ready.
Sometimes I don’t realise how the things I say might come across until literally hours later…
Jess recently posted…Marathon Meditation
Well, first of all good news on the flat front at least.
I think it must be so tough for you- I suppose I am a bit similar really, in that I got together with Andy when I was 17, so we were both in 6th form and really grew up together. I can’t imagine what life would be like without him, and although we have our own interests which we follow on our own, we do a lot together too. Although my worries are all morbid and I normally wonder how I would cope if he died. Cheerful stuff.
I don’t have a ticking clock, but I do feel more and more that I have to explain why we don’t have children- not the same really but it is weird sort of not living up to others expectations of you.
But you don’t have to be part of a couple to have a good life and although you say you are not that “out there”, you seem to have a good mix of friends through uni and running, so just enjoy spending time with those friends. Or eating apples in your PJ’s if that is what you want.
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Ah that is great news about your flat! Very exciting, and I hope the move itself goes really well!
I met Matt at primary school. He sat the 11 plus, went to grammar school then to Cardiff Uni. I went to our local comp, then to Sheffield Hallam Uni. We didn’t have anything to do with each other for a long time, then he popped up in my Facebook message inbox one day in the summer of 2008. We were together by the Christmas. I do have a fear that, at the grand age of 30, I am starting to push it to start a family. Then I remind myself I am being totally stupid. But that nagging feeling still sits there, yet there’s no real reason for it.
Okay, while I haven’t been single for a reasonable time, I do remember enjoying that phase between my ex and Matt. Despite my dad’s constant worries that I was going to die a spinster eaten by Alsatians… (bloody love Bridget Jones), I just enjoyed the time out. You’ve got to do what you want to do in this situation – if that’s just enjoying your own company for a bit, great! If that means dating (however one does), then also great!
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I can definitely relate to this post. It’s been 2 years since my boyfriend split with me, completely out of the blue – we’d been together for 5years, talking about buying a house together etc, I wasn’t prepared for my world ending. We had a sort of on-off relationship for a further year, and then tried to be friends before he finally moved to Edinburgh and bought a flat up there. I am still adjusting to my new life path – it’s not the one I thought I would be on, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t any less fun or successful! With my own flat, a new career and a bunch of great friends I’m trying not to worry about the social expectations, or the “ticking clock” you mention which occasionally freaks me out! I’m definitely not interested in finding anyone else yet, but the worry that I might never is at the back of my head…
Anyway, sorry for rambling. I’m really glad to hear about your new place – congrats and good luck with the move 🙂 If you ever want to chat let me know xx
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Hurrah for a completion date! In by Christmas!
(totally late to the debate here. It’s been an off-line sort of week).
I finally met N at work, 4 years ago. I’d been trying Internet Dating (oh, that is such an experience), and he got the full force of my frustrations one morning when the very promising previous night’s date had texted on my way to work to say “no, actually, I think we’d go out for a few months and it would be fun and then it would all fall to pieces…”. All he’d done was ask how I was. Bless him. And then he sent the sweetest email over the weekend, and I thought, what the heck (because, he’s not really my “type” – which veered between public school and morris dancers: Shy Heavy Metal Rock Gods weren’t on my radar), and we went for a drink. At that point, I was 32 and a half (the half is important, isn’t it?!). I’ve had periods of being very single (quite liked those), periods of short-lived relationships, longer relationships, sessions of having panic attacks while watching Don’t Tell the Bride (I mean. Really. What a waste of emotional energy!). It took a while for me to grow into me – I’m not the same person I was when I was 21 and engaged (and, really, I was engaged to entirely the wrong guy. Still feel I’ve had a lucky get-out there). There is a theory that we’re not properly grown up until we’re about 25…
The point being: the right gentleman will turn up when you are ready (and he’ll be an excellent cook). Probably somewhere unexpected. There is nothing wrong with spending time hiding in a metaphorical blankie fort with Alfie for as long as you fancy in the interim.
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Glad you’re finally getting things sorted with the flat! I think it’s great that you shared this post and I hope it helped you by getting your thoughts out there. Honestly, things will work out for you as and when they should. It doesn’t comfort you now, but believe me things will work out for the best. You don’t seem to be carrying any bitterness for what happened and I think that’s the key for being able to move on up. I’ve got friends who have had similar things happen but have carried that bitterness on with them 🙁 Plus there’s internet dating now which I genuinely think is an awesome thing, a great way to meet new people nowadays. I met James at my sisters wedding, he was best man, me chief bridesmaid, the rest is history 😉
Wow! I am really glad that I found this awesome article. Appreciated.
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Thanks again!
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Impressive article, Anna.
Thank you for sharing.
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Hi Anna, Nice moving tip.
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OMG!!! I am glad that I found this kinda encouragement article… Not so relate but some of your word was hit me to make all realize… Thank you Anna! 😀
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Ohhh… What a lovely post. Your story is such beautiful and can it be a inspiration to the other. Thank you, Anna, for showing this moving tip.
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