Thoughts - AnnaTheApple

December 10, 2014

The definition of insanity

…is doing something over and over again, expecting a different result. That’s me right now. You might be able to guess where this is going. It can hardly be a surprise and you’re probably as bored as I am about the whole thing. For that I can only apologise, but I assure you no one is more fed up of this than me.

Running and me are taking a break. I’m pretty sure it’s long overdue. Injury after injury. I’m so tired of it all. I’m tired of dreading every run. How will it feel? What’s going to go wrong? And even when it goes OK I still wonder how long will it be before I’m injured again. The injury I have at the moment, which is gradually going away, is merely the straw that broke the donkey’s back.

I was thinking about it over the weekend and I was surprised at how unstressed I was about not running at the moment and how I actually wasn’t missing it. I’m not training for a race so there are no worries. But I let my mind wander to what my feelings would be if the weeks continue and I’m still not running. My heart started to race and I felt myself getting stressed.

My dad asked me why I run, I say “because I love it and enjoy it” and he replied “are you enjoying it at the moment?”. Honestly? No. And I haven’t properly enjoyed it for a while now. I loved the Berlin marathon but every run leading up and the runs after have been tainted by injury or the worry of injuries to come. This isn’t fun anymore.

So I’m going to take a break from running. For how long I have no idea. It might be weeks or it might be months. Deciding this feels like the world has lifted off my shoulders, which in itself says something really. I’m almost certain I will defer London. I want to run London confident and happy after running strong the months before. And, my current injury aside, even if I was running well at the moment I would still feel the same as my head is in a rubbish place – the doubt and the fear is constant. I’ve begun to resent running. I resent how much it consumes my moods and makes me a rather awful person to be around when I can’t run. And it’s not just the marathon, it’s running in general. At the moment I have absolutely no desire to run. The love and enjoyment has disappeared.

I’ve joined a gym (again) and I’m going to do classes, like circuits, spin and body pump, and use the rowing machine (which I always love) and other machines and just do whatever I fancy there. Right now I don’t want to think about running, training plans, marathons, races or injuries. I just want to exercise with abandon – feel the endorphins and sweat. I don’t run to lose weight (ironically I’ve lost weight not running – how weird is that?), I exercise because there’s something so primal and basic about it. You feel accomplished, invigorated and on top of the world. If running can’t do that for me right now, I’ll find something else that will.

The sad thing about this is it’s all so repetitive (I’m sorry). I was in the same position last year and similarly decided to take a break. I think my issue before though was I got back into running as soon as I could and went straight into marathon training for Paris in April and from there it was a spiral of constant running and injuries. This time I just want to do whatever I fancy without any time frames, limits or goals. Who knows, London might still happen but I have no ambition to train for it at the moment or in the coming weeks. I want to go to the gym, sweat it out, get strong and feel good. And hope my love for running will return at some point.

Have you ever felt ‘enough is enough’ with something?

Have you got fed up with a type of exercise?

Are you injury prone? If not, what’s your secret? 😉

December 3, 2014January 14, 2015

Rants and Raves #4

Do you know, I think I have a lot more raves than rants today. Surely this can’t be right, I’m British after all 😉 We do love a good moan! But what can be done, eh.

Rave: I’m working from home today which is always nice. Easy access to a fridge full of lovely food, warm house, comfy clothes (dare I say PJs? There’s something so wonderful about showering and then getting into clean, fresh PJs), Alfie and my very own makeshift standing desk.

As I type this I’m standing, not slouching over my computer. I wish I had the nerve to create my own standing desk in the office but it really would look odd with no one else doing it. Ho hum!

Rave: And as you can see above, Ben bought a very jazzy looking Kenwood KMix. This is a very good sign for the possible baking ahead…I am EVER HOPEFUL!

And helps with my standing desk as well obviously 😉

Rave: Coming in to work on Monday to find an advent calendar from my boss! You just can’t beat a chocolate advent calendar. And my lovely mum bought me a new mug as well. But after the drama with my last mug, this one will be safely stowed at home in case it gets snagged.

Rant: Do you know what beats chocolate advent calendars? Better quality ones! Clearly the Hello Kitty was not breaking the bank and consequentially the chocolate is indicative of this.

Rave: Christmas! And Christmas parties and gatherings.

I have quite a few exciting events coming up which I’m looking forward to. Sadly not going to my work’s Christmas do as it’s midweek in London (actually it’s tonight) and it just seemed a bit of a faff. It’s sad because a lot of people have thought the same so not many are going. It’s so different from the other year’s AMAZING trip to Bruges. Well anyway I’m going to Berlin (again) this weekend to meet up with friends and visit the Christmas markets, Ben and me have a few different meals and evenings to go to and well it’s Christmas! Christmas music, food, cheer and festivities! I love it all 🙂

Rave: coconut oil! Having this big tub of it makes me a very happy Anna. This, along with a few other products, were sent to me to review from MyProtein (which will be in a future post).

And spoiler alert: I love it! But then you can’t go much wrong with coconut oil, can you?

Rave: Freebies from friends at work. A guy at work does a lot of cycling and his wife is starting to get into it too. They got some cycling shoes (the special clip-on ones) and they haven’t been working out for her so he gave them to me for free! I have no idea if they’re any good or not but at least they were free.

Just need to get the special pedals (can you tell how much of a cycling dunce/newbie I am? All the gear and no idea…).

And that’s my lot. Obviously I could rant until the cows come home about still not running but I’m in an OK place. I have strength training to be getting on with and with going to Berlin this weekend it’s sort of good timing anyway (can anyone say that an injury is good timing???).

What are your rants and raves this week?

November 26, 2014

Snap out of it

It’s OK. You can come near again. I’m past my initial I HATE THE WORLD bad mood. Personally, it’s only for so long I can maintain that level of enthusiastic annoyance and self-loathing.

I had lot of lovely Tweets, comments and reassurances from people about my injury which I really appreciated. Thank you. This is why I love the running (and blogging) community so much. Because even when you’re down and out for a bit, they’ll always try to lift you up. This is always clear as well when Ben comes to parkrun to volunteer, despite not being able to run. You’re a runner even when injured.

I saw Kyle (my coach and sports massage therapist) and he speculated that it’s the IT band. But it’s strange that it just happened out of nowhere so maybe I twisted awkwardly without realising or something.Lots of massage and some tape to help blood flow and it’s improving each day…fingers crossed it’s a blip then.

I know my situation isn’t the worst in the world. I’m grateful for any run I get that goes mildly well. Since so many injuries this year (*sighs*) and Ben’s horrible injury woe I fully appreciate any running. I also know I’m healthy and fit in comparison to many ‘normal’ people. I have no illness, life-threatening disease or terminal illness. And when I say I’m injured, really I mean “I can’t run for a bit because my knee hurts”. I can walk just fine.

And speaking of Ben, I know I really shouldn’t complain, moan or whinge. In some respects it’s a good job he’s in China: he can’t hear my pathetic complaints. I haven’t actually told him about all this. Internet and all things social media are pretty closed down over there so what I tell him is what he hears from me basically. Before you think I’m a terrible wife, I haven’t lied. I just haven’t mentioned it. All sounds rather illicit doesn’t it? But in truth, I’d rather not worry him about something like this while he’s away – especially when his own injury issue is so much worse than mine.

My dad, bless him, has had to deal with a lot over the past few months. We sometimes drive together to work (yes we work at the same company, God help us both) and he’s become my psychological coach. He often remarks that he’s genuinely tense before I get in the car with him as to how my latest run went, indicating what frame of mind I’ll be in (imagine the weeks leading up to the Berlin marathon…poor man). Recently he’s been quite relaxed and happy as my running has been going well. Getting in the car on Monday morning though he had to pick up the pieces. I hadn’t had anyone really to physically talk to about my latest running injury properly and I sort of went into melt-down mode on the way to work. He did a great job in talking things through logically and rationally and helped bring me back up out of my wallowing pit of despair.

He doesn’t run. He’s not that fit but he does try to do lots of walking (another Vivofit convert). He also appreciates my love for running. And he loves football and supports Liverpool FC quite passionately. He therefore knows disappointment in sport quite strongly too.

He often tells me about different footballers and their injury woes. The latest guy he told me about was Daniel Sturridge who had been on the bench due to a calf issue, then when he was allowed to start training again strained his thigh…then recovered, then strained it again. These guys are playing football as their career. Their livelihood depends on their fitness and the state of their body. It is likely that the management will see this footballer as a risk and a weakness, and perhaps his contract won’t be signed again.

Suddenly things for me don’t look so dire. I love running with all my heart but my life isn’t over without it. And of course not for a few days or weeks! Our mortgage isn’t dependent on me running. Sure it’s depressing and sad, but it’s not the end of the world.

I’ve got to keep things in perspective. I’ve had a lot of injuries. This year for me, you must agree, has been epically pants. The only two good things (in terms of running) have been the marathons. BUT if I had to choose between a year of no issue-running but no marathons or the year I’ve had…I must admit I’d keep my marathons.

The bigger picture is that I’ve got years of running ahead of me and great friends and family around me. Time to snap out of it. Sorry for being a wet blanket and thank you for bearing with me.

November 20, 2014January 14, 2015

Rants and Raves #3

I’m feeling grumpy. It can’t be helped really. It’s Thursday, when really it should be Friday.

I don’t want to moan…but I will. Sorry. I’ll try not to just rant the entire post.

Rant: With Ben being away it is quite lonely at the moment at home. I get very set in routines when I’m on my own as well. Walk Alfie, cook dinner, watch TV, go to bed. Nothing exciting really happens. I’m used to having him there to joke and laugh with, or moan and groan at…depends on the day and mood really 😉

And with the 8 hour time difference it’s a struggle to keep in contact with him. Especially as with him being in China they don’t allow Facebook or Twitter, and I need to wait for him to get access to the limited Wifi in order to either WhatsApp or Skype. Humph.

Rave: Although saying that, with Ben not being here, this means dinner can be whatever I want it to be without having to worry if Ben will a) like it b) eat it.

Looks rather grim doesn’t it? But actually it was really tasty. I literally threw chickpeas, Brussels sprouts, courgette, onions, mushrooms and kale together with cream cheese and BBQ sauce. It’s just what I fancied. For me BBQ sauce and cream cheese are big winners.

Rant: perhaps ‘rant’ is too strong a word here…but Ben does make me laugh. He goes to Hong Kong and China and he eats… Italian. To be fair, he can’t go wherever he pleases as he’s with work colleagues but still. He ate Japanese one night which I suppose is at least that vague area of the world to some extent. Though he did tell me he had the strangest Hawaiian pizza which had a sweet dough with tomato sauce, tinned fruit salad, olives and cheese on it. I did say to him he’s probably better off actually eating the local food! *sighs*

Rave: Alfie is very loving at the moment as I’m the only one there. Despite Ben’s side of the bed being free, he still cuddles into me at night. My furry hot water bottle.

But it also means I’m the one who has to clean up his sick when he wasn’t well the other day. This is usually very firmly a blue job…but currently no blue is here to help.

Rave: getting cool things in the post. I received a Fuelify goodie box which contained a lot of exciting products.

A full review will be coming soon!

Rant/Rave: a mix of the two if you like. It’s no secret that I hate my commute. It’s a fair way from Southampton to Basingstoke and can take on average an hour (sometimes more) to work and then from work every single day. It grinds on me. Even when it’s plain sailing it still takes 40 minutes. To me this is absolute dead time. The radio is OK but I despair of BBC Radio 1’s Nick Grimshaw in a morning (I was a huge Chris Moyles fan – sorry non-Brits, basically Radio 1 sucks as the best DJ left a few years ago and now it’s run by a moron) and I’m not quite ready to switch to BBC Radio 2 (which is aimed at a slightly older audience).

Aaaaanyway, long story short, I’ve signed up to Amazon’s Kindle Unlimited (30 free days) as I saw they had audio books available too. I do read a lot as well on my Kindle, but thought while I drive I could listen to another book. Normally audio books are fairly hefty in price so I was pleased this was part of the deal. I decided to go for Life of Pi.

I’ve got the book on my Kindle but when I tried to read it I just couldn’t get into it. But listening to it is fantastic! In just over two days I’m 40% into it and it’s so good. I need to see the film as well now. Listening to it in the car just makes the journey zoom by as I get sucked into the narrative.

I’ve also downloaded Great Expectations to listen to next as I’ve never read it. I’m aiming for the more ‘dense’ books as I’ve found I can get into it easier than if I tried to read it. I’m still reading another book at the same time as well. Will see if I’m swayed by this Kindle Unlimited business by the end of the 30 days I think!

And that’s all I have in my current lonely, empty existence…well it’s not all bad. The house is extremely tidy and I’m only using one loo in the house (we have three) so that means only one bathroom needs cleaning this weekend! Wahay it’s the small things, right? 😉 I’m going to my parent’s house on Friday night for an Indian and staying over with Alfie so that should be good. Then really it’s just one week till Ben’s back! Hurrah!

What have been your rants and raves this week?

How do you cope when you’re alone in the house?

Do you listen to audio books?

November 12, 2014January 14, 2015

Rant and Raves #2

There’s something rather cathartic about having a bit of moan at times, and also professing my love for stuff, which invariably includes some form of food 😉 I try not to be predictable…but why deny my nature, eh?

Rant: I love my husband (obviously) and I love that he’s really gotten into the whole baking lark. We bought loads of new cake tins and gadgets and we’re about to purchase the rather expensive (though heavily discounted because of Ben being an employee) Kenwood K-Mix. However I was led to believe that him baking would be a regular thing. He threw around the sentence “every other week” quite happily. Has this happened? No. And he’s off to China with work for a while so no homemade cake in the foreseeable future either. Good job I know a lot of afternoon tea joints near me otherwise times would be looking grim.

Rave: I love all these owl-themed things that are going on at the moment. The top right is a necklace I got from Mango at the airport just before we went on our honeymoon, so it holds a special place in my heart (corny, yes I know). It’s a lovely long necklace which just goes with so many things. The necklace below is more delicate and sparkly and is from Accessorize. The top left is a cushion I found in a lovely trinket shop near to where I live. The bottom left is a hand-made Christmas tree decoration my parents bought for us as they know we ~~are weird~~ like owls. The bottom right is cake. I want that cake.

Rant: Garmin watches. Yes I expressed my love for all things “pace” a week or so ago but nothing irks me more than a Garmin that doesn’t find satellites. And standing in the cold at 5.50am waiting to find satellites is not what I call fun. I call that verging on hypothermia and looking like a creepy person loitering on a street corner. However, I have since found a way to combat this…

This was Sunday morning – when the sun had actually risen at this point

By balancing my watch on our front door handle before a run means I can do some dynamic warm-up moves in the comfort and privacy of my own home while my watch takes its sweet time to get itself together.

Rant: The iPhone keyboard for typing texts. Maybe I just have fat fingers because honestly I never seem to be able to get a coherent sentence out via text.

Me asking Ben if he was coming to parkrun on Saturday

I know I’m not the only person who struggles. I know we’re a lot better off than previously when we had to press each button like five times before getting the letter we wanted, but COME ON. Other phones do it better I’m sure.

Rave: Sweet popcorn hot chocolate.Let’s ignore the number of chemicals undoubtedly present within this one mug and focus on the deliciousness that is this hot chocolate. It rocked my world. Normally I’m a mint hot chocolate kinda girl but I went crazy and tried a new flavour. It definitely paid off. Options hot chocolate, thank you. (FYI the salted caramel flavour is also pretty good).

Rave: I’m going with a double rave here rather than another rant as I’m all out of ranting. As I run stupid o’clock in the morning it is obviously very dark. I’ve been sent some truly fantastic running products made by Nathan Sports which make being seen a piece of cake. I’ll do a proper review another date, but so far I’m impressed!

No excuses: don’t run like a Ninja – male yourself visible!

This is a handy little gadget (called the Light Spur) that you attach to your trainer and it lights up. It’s very bright and very easy to wear. I love running, but I do not love risking my life by not being seen when I run. Sometimes you can’t just rely on a high vis top.

[Disclosure: I was sent the Nathan Sports products for free to review, all opinions are my own though]

What are your rants and raves this week?

What’s your favourite hot drink? I love tea and coffee but I adore a hot chocolate in the evening.

Do you run in the dark? How do you stay safe?