Reflections - AnnaTheApple

December 10, 2014

The definition of insanity

…is doing something over and over again, expecting a different result. That’s me right now. You might be able to guess where this is going. It can hardly be a surprise and you’re probably as bored as I am about the whole thing. For that I can only apologise, but I assure you no one is more fed up of this than me.

Running and me are taking a break. I’m pretty sure it’s long overdue. Injury after injury. I’m so tired of it all. I’m tired of dreading every run. How will it feel? What’s going to go wrong? And even when it goes OK I still wonder how long will it be before I’m injured again. The injury I have at the moment, which is gradually going away, is merely the straw that broke the donkey’s back.

I was thinking about it over the weekend and I was surprised at how unstressed I was about not running at the moment and how I actually wasn’t missing it. I’m not training for a race so there are no worries. But I let my mind wander to what my feelings would be if the weeks continue and I’m still not running. My heart started to race and I felt myself getting stressed.

My dad asked me why I run, I say “because I love it and enjoy it” and he replied “are you enjoying it at the moment?”. Honestly? No. And I haven’t properly enjoyed it for a while now. I loved the Berlin marathon but every run leading up and the runs after have been tainted by injury or the worry of injuries to come. This isn’t fun anymore.

So I’m going to take a break from running. For how long I have no idea. It might be weeks or it might be months. Deciding this feels like the world has lifted off my shoulders, which in itself says something really. I’m almost certain I will defer London. I want to run London confident and happy after running strong the months before. And, my current injury aside, even if I was running well at the moment I would still feel the same as my head is in a rubbish place – the doubt and the fear is constant. I’ve begun to resent running. I resent how much it consumes my moods and makes me a rather awful person to be around when I can’t run. And it’s not just the marathon, it’s running in general. At the moment I have absolutely no desire to run. The love and enjoyment has disappeared.

I’ve joined a gym (again) and I’m going to do classes, like circuits, spin and body pump, and use the rowing machine (which I always love) and other machines and just do whatever I fancy there. Right now I don’t want to think about running, training plans, marathons, races or injuries. I just want to exercise with abandon – feel the endorphins and sweat. I don’t run to lose weight (ironically I’ve lost weight not running – how weird is that?), I exercise because there’s something so primal and basic about it. You feel accomplished, invigorated and on top of the world. If running can’t do that for me right now, I’ll find something else that will.

The sad thing about this is it’s all so repetitive (I’m sorry). I was in the same position last year and similarly decided to take a break. I think my issue before though was I got back into running as soon as I could and went straight into marathon training for Paris in April and from there it was a spiral of constant running and injuries. This time I just want to do whatever I fancy without any time frames, limits or goals. Who knows, London might still happen but I have no ambition to train for it at the moment or in the coming weeks. I want to go to the gym, sweat it out, get strong and feel good. And hope my love for running will return at some point.

Have you ever felt ‘enough is enough’ with something?

Have you got fed up with a type of exercise?

Are you injury prone? If not, what’s your secret? 😉

December 3, 2014January 14, 2015

Rants and Raves #4

Do you know, I think I have a lot more raves than rants today. Surely this can’t be right, I’m British after all 😉 We do love a good moan! But what can be done, eh.

Rave: I’m working from home today which is always nice. Easy access to a fridge full of lovely food, warm house, comfy clothes (dare I say PJs? There’s something so wonderful about showering and then getting into clean, fresh PJs), Alfie and my very own makeshift standing desk.

As I type this I’m standing, not slouching over my computer. I wish I had the nerve to create my own standing desk in the office but it really would look odd with no one else doing it. Ho hum!

Rave: And as you can see above, Ben bought a very jazzy looking Kenwood KMix. This is a very good sign for the possible baking ahead…I am EVER HOPEFUL!

And helps with my standing desk as well obviously 😉

Rave: Coming in to work on Monday to find an advent calendar from my boss! You just can’t beat a chocolate advent calendar. And my lovely mum bought me a new mug as well. But after the drama with my last mug, this one will be safely stowed at home in case it gets snagged.

Rant: Do you know what beats chocolate advent calendars? Better quality ones! Clearly the Hello Kitty was not breaking the bank and consequentially the chocolate is indicative of this.

Rave: Christmas! And Christmas parties and gatherings.

I have quite a few exciting events coming up which I’m looking forward to. Sadly not going to my work’s Christmas do as it’s midweek in London (actually it’s tonight) and it just seemed a bit of a faff. It’s sad because a lot of people have thought the same so not many are going. It’s so different from the other year’s AMAZING trip to Bruges. Well anyway I’m going to Berlin (again) this weekend to meet up with friends and visit the Christmas markets, Ben and me have a few different meals and evenings to go to and well it’s Christmas! Christmas music, food, cheer and festivities! I love it all 🙂

Rave: coconut oil! Having this big tub of it makes me a very happy Anna. This, along with a few other products, were sent to me to review from MyProtein (which will be in a future post).

And spoiler alert: I love it! But then you can’t go much wrong with coconut oil, can you?

Rave: Freebies from friends at work. A guy at work does a lot of cycling and his wife is starting to get into it too. They got some cycling shoes (the special clip-on ones) and they haven’t been working out for her so he gave them to me for free! I have no idea if they’re any good or not but at least they were free.

Just need to get the special pedals (can you tell how much of a cycling dunce/newbie I am? All the gear and no idea…).

And that’s my lot. Obviously I could rant until the cows come home about still not running but I’m in an OK place. I have strength training to be getting on with and with going to Berlin this weekend it’s sort of good timing anyway (can anyone say that an injury is good timing???).

What are your rants and raves this week?

December 1, 2014

So much food and a re-think

And we have a full house once again! Ben is back from his adventures to Hong Kong and China. He got back Saturday morning and I was more than happy to be woken up! As was Alfie who just went mental.

Poor Ben though suffered so badly from jet lag, as you can imagine. He didn’t feel well and he was exhausted (he had started his journey home on Thursday at 11pm London time and arrived home on Saturday 7am-ish!).

And oh the washing…So much washing. Joy. But anyway we decided to go to Nando’s for lunch (well, what do you expect?) with my dad as my mum was in London with Ben’s mum for a girlie trip. I was amused when the waiter tried to give my whole chicken to my dad though assuming he was having it and not me. He seemed a bit bemused that I could eat it. How very dare him. I’m a chicken eating machine!

By the end of the meal though (2pm?) Ben was really starting to fade (his body was thinking it was 10pm). We didn’t do much else for the day and I had to keep waking Ben up. I felt like a horrible person but we’d agreed he needed to stay awake at least until 8pm so he would be getting back, sort of, into the swing of UK times.

Sunday was spent getting bits and pieces done and then we were off for a lovely Christmas meal lunch at Jamie’s Italian with my parents and Ben’s mum. A three-course meal with a glass of Prosecco! I’d seen an offer online (I think it was £27.95 per person?) and had arranged it a while ago. It was quite good for everyone to get together to catch up with Ben.

Ben and the mums

My dad and me

The amount of food though! Oh my life. The started was MASSIVE. Two huge planks of antipasti bits and pieces (meats, cheese, roasted vegetables, olives, bread), cheese balls covered in breadcrumb and deep-fried gnocchi. There was just too much I think for all of us. We were all feeling a bit full afterwards and dubious about two more courses to come.

For mains, I had a Venetian fish stew (as did Ben’s mum), my parents had steak and Ben had turkey. There were polenta chips and roasted vegetables as sides as well. It was absolutely delicious. I thought I’d taken a photo but alas I had not. It was basically a tomato stew with lots of clams, mussels and fish and a piece of toasted bread with a delicious cream cheese spread. I could have easily gobbled up all the roasted vegetables and polenta chips as well but I had limited capacity in my stomach by now! This does not happen often.

For pudding it was a brownie with salted caramel ice cream.

Ohhhh it was so good. Pretty much the same as I’d had the other time I went to Jamie’s a few weeks ago. But honestly, just as tasty. Stomach space was not a problem now.

I did require a long walk with Alfie when I got home as the food was sitting rather uncomfortably in my tummy. Sometimes I find a good walk can help digestion!!

And then it was another evening of me poking and prodding Ben to keep him awake, bless him. One day at a time!

Sadly I’m still not running. I won’t lie, I do feel down about it. I don’t mind about speed or PBs or anything like that, I just want to run. I’m so glad Ben is home as it makes things so much better though! Like I said before, I don’t need to panic just yet as London is so far away. I just wish I understood why I always seem to get injured.

I’m pretty sure running six days a week wasn’t good for me. When my coach gave me that plan I should have spoken up and said no this isn’t going to work. I just got excited about running so much and convinced myself that it was fine because I was running slowly and not very far each time. And at the time everything felt fine during each run. I suppose it just topped out on that 11 miler.

I think my body at the moment needs more rest days in between, regardless of how far or how fast I run. And incorporating more specific strength training. I do do strength training but I guess I need to challenge my body in other ways than what I’ve been doing and Kyle’s going to help with that which is brilliant.

So he’s readdressed the plan going forward so things won’t be so full-on and more strength training…but first I have to get back into running again! Oh the ever cycle of running and me…

Have you got any Christmas meals planned other than the big day?

What’s the worst jetlag you’ve had? How do you recover ?

Do you enjoy a ‘proper’ starter or a sharing starter with lots of little things?

November 27, 2014November 27, 2014

Men win

Something away from running and injuries… I struggled whether to post this or not. I really hope I don’t offend anyone, that’s not my intention. This is purely the way I see the world – my interpretation with my ignorance and limited knowledge.

I’m 26 years old, married and have a lovely little house. My husband, Ben, and I live quite a harmonious life with our mischievously little furball dog, Alfie. Ben and I have been married for over two years now, living together for over three years… People are starting to ask The Question and/or give me the suspicious looks.

Many of my friends got married and then had kids quite soon afterwards. It’s quite logical and very common. Marriage then kids. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with it. But I’m fully dragging my feet on this one.

I feel genuine fear when I think about looking after a baby. I don’t look at babies as bundles of adorable joy-filled darlings. I look at them in fear. I’m awkward around them. I avoid contact. I feel I need to do something and probably utter something ridiculously obvious (“what small hands!”) and maybe gently poke its cheek or pat its head. My flight response has been fully activated and I’m ready to get the hell outta there.

Megan, my neice, and me…full of fear

Ben used to be the same but the traitor has slowly moved over to the Dark Side. He seems more natural and normal around babies. Hell, he even looks like he’s comfortable and happy! When did this happen?

I will fully admit I truly know nothing about having a baby – the pregnancy, the birth and the, er, ‘rearing’. I can only go by what people have told me and what I’ve read in blogs, social media and books. To be honest, it all sounds a bit crap. And if Facebook and Twitter are anything to go by, this doesn’t really stop until they’re 18. And not even then.

This post is probably very naive and very ignorant so I truly hope I don’t offend anyone. Remember: I really know nothing apart from what I’ve seen and heard. My experience is highly limited.

Basically it sucks to be a woman. Firstly, you have to get pregnant. OK you can say you’re growing life inside you and how beautiful the whole experience is. Sure, sure. But let’s be real. You get fat, you get uncomfortable and a lot of bodily functions are either disrupted, abused or you just fully lose control of them. And running? Of course loads of people do manage to run through their pregnancy (don’t even get me started on the #fitpregnancy), but the reality is not many can maintain it. And those who can are running less, running slower and it’s usually not particularly comfortable. And remember the loss of control on bodily functions? Yeah. Putting it in the words of one of my male running friend: you have an 18 month long injury.

As a man you are UNAFFECTED. Men 1 Women 0

Then the whole birthing experience. I’ve heard the gory details. Don’t try and convince me it’s a beautiful and magical experience. Sweaty, bloody, fluid-y, painful, lonnnnnnnnng, poopy, muscus pluggy…

And the man? Maybe a bit sleep-deprived and maybe his hand hurts a bit from all the squeezing. Perhaps he now sees his loved one in a whole new maternal and Amazonian light. But still, he’s pretty unscathed I’d say. Men 2 Women 0

Then breastfeeding your new micro-human. Engorged boobs, huge painful nipples and random leakages. Latching difficulties, despair and distress at not being able to feed your baby. God forbid you even consider formula! The worry about how people will react if you breastfeed in public, or what people will say if you don’t breastfeed at all.

You hand your partner the baby and a bottle (either full of *gasp* formula or painfully pumped out of you). What’s the worst that can happen? The baby spits up? Men 3 Women 0

Sleepless nights. They say for the first six weeks you’re literally on autopilot. You’re lucky if you get two hour stretches. You’re not at work so you get a lie-in right? Right?? Apparently not. And apparently when people say “grab sleep when you’re baby sleep” they don’t realise you also need to shower and eat. Of course men go through this too – you’re a tag teaming duo of baby feeding/changing super heroes! Until he goes back to work TWO WEEKS later. Then you’re on your own. I can understand this. I’m not saying men are selfish rascals but if you’re breastfeeding then I imagine it’s pretty tricky for the woman to not be involved at some point. Men 4 Women 0

Body image and general fitness. I would like to meet the woman who is not daunted by the idea of gaining weight and the losing of a fitness that she has meticulously built up. Weight gain, wider hips, stretch marks, saggy tummies…all natural of course, but changing your body completely from what it was before. Running is slower and harder, and biomechanically you’re different and more injury-prone (is that even possible for me??). Things are not the same as they were before.

I think you can see this could go on a bit. And I don’t want to appear like a man-hating child-hating demon of a woman, but so far from what I’m aware of, being the female in the child-having scenario is no joke.

It honestly doesn’t appeal to me right now. I used to wonder if it ever would. But slowly I am coming round to the idea. I’m sure there are moments of joy and many priceless experiences but because I’m not an innately child-loving person I struggle to see the good bits beyond the truly horrific things I read. I’m sure I’ll be overcome with ~~evolutionary triggered hormones~~ love for our child and never regret it for a moment…(my fingers are firmly crossed!). But at the moment, I’m quite happy with just Alfie, thank you very much.

Parents, convince me otherwise! What are the good bits?

Have a moan: what are the tough bits? What have I missed?

November 26, 2014

Snap out of it

It’s OK. You can come near again. I’m past my initial I HATE THE WORLD bad mood. Personally, it’s only for so long I can maintain that level of enthusiastic annoyance and self-loathing.

I had lot of lovely Tweets, comments and reassurances from people about my injury which I really appreciated. Thank you. This is why I love the running (and blogging) community so much. Because even when you’re down and out for a bit, they’ll always try to lift you up. This is always clear as well when Ben comes to parkrun to volunteer, despite not being able to run. You’re a runner even when injured.

I saw Kyle (my coach and sports massage therapist) and he speculated that it’s the IT band. But it’s strange that it just happened out of nowhere so maybe I twisted awkwardly without realising or something.Lots of massage and some tape to help blood flow and it’s improving each day…fingers crossed it’s a blip then.

I know my situation isn’t the worst in the world. I’m grateful for any run I get that goes mildly well. Since so many injuries this year (*sighs*) and Ben’s horrible injury woe I fully appreciate any running. I also know I’m healthy and fit in comparison to many ‘normal’ people. I have no illness, life-threatening disease or terminal illness. And when I say I’m injured, really I mean “I can’t run for a bit because my knee hurts”. I can walk just fine.

And speaking of Ben, I know I really shouldn’t complain, moan or whinge. In some respects it’s a good job he’s in China: he can’t hear my pathetic complaints. I haven’t actually told him about all this. Internet and all things social media are pretty closed down over there so what I tell him is what he hears from me basically. Before you think I’m a terrible wife, I haven’t lied. I just haven’t mentioned it. All sounds rather illicit doesn’t it? But in truth, I’d rather not worry him about something like this while he’s away – especially when his own injury issue is so much worse than mine.

My dad, bless him, has had to deal with a lot over the past few months. We sometimes drive together to work (yes we work at the same company, God help us both) and he’s become my psychological coach. He often remarks that he’s genuinely tense before I get in the car with him as to how my latest run went, indicating what frame of mind I’ll be in (imagine the weeks leading up to the Berlin marathon…poor man). Recently he’s been quite relaxed and happy as my running has been going well. Getting in the car on Monday morning though he had to pick up the pieces. I hadn’t had anyone really to physically talk to about my latest running injury properly and I sort of went into melt-down mode on the way to work. He did a great job in talking things through logically and rationally and helped bring me back up out of my wallowing pit of despair.

He doesn’t run. He’s not that fit but he does try to do lots of walking (another Vivofit convert). He also appreciates my love for running. And he loves football and supports Liverpool FC quite passionately. He therefore knows disappointment in sport quite strongly too.

He often tells me about different footballers and their injury woes. The latest guy he told me about was Daniel Sturridge who had been on the bench due to a calf issue, then when he was allowed to start training again strained his thigh…then recovered, then strained it again. These guys are playing football as their career. Their livelihood depends on their fitness and the state of their body. It is likely that the management will see this footballer as a risk and a weakness, and perhaps his contract won’t be signed again.

Suddenly things for me don’t look so dire. I love running with all my heart but my life isn’t over without it. And of course not for a few days or weeks! Our mortgage isn’t dependent on me running. Sure it’s depressing and sad, but it’s not the end of the world.

I’ve got to keep things in perspective. I’ve had a lot of injuries. This year for me, you must agree, has been epically pants. The only two good things (in terms of running) have been the marathons. BUT if I had to choose between a year of no issue-running but no marathons or the year I’ve had…I must admit I’d keep my marathons.

The bigger picture is that I’ve got years of running ahead of me and great friends and family around me. Time to snap out of it. Sorry for being a wet blanket and thank you for bearing with me.