Reflections - AnnaTheApple

September 18, 2015

Just keep breathing

I am so glad it’s Friday. This week has been rather stressful to say the least. I’ll admit I’ve struggled quite a bit. I’m sorry to sound so moany and pathetic, I just need to rant.

Mostly it is my own fault really. Planning a holiday around a time I knew I’d potentially be leaving and near my marathon date was probably not my best idea. At the time though, when it was all going to plan and my friend was coming with me, it seemed like a great escape.

Having finally found out the moving date (a few days before my marathon), this week has been spent sorting out all those things you can’t do much about until you have said date…Internet, gas, electric, water. Not to mention the solicitors only informing us now (despite hassling for weeks) that the man buying our house didn’t want our furniture. I’m taking barely any furniture with me so I’ve then had to try and sell, donate or just give away stuff as quickly as possible.

Ben has been helping as well, obviously, but he’s leaving to work and live in Switzerland very soon and so his time is limited. My emotions are everywhere. I’m happy for him and want him to do well and find what he’s been looking for, but I can’t say I’m not sad. Everything is changing so quickly and I can’t catch my breath.

To add to this was finding my passport in the washing machine after a full cycle. That’s a small complication that I wasn’t prepared for. I took a risk and decided to apply via the postal reapplication system, being reassured by several people that passports were getting processed quickly as it was outside the holiday season and I had a solid 2.5 weeks.

*Sighs* In true Anna form I decided to use photos that weren’t the specified month-old and risked it with using photos I already had (saving cost and time, I believed). They were only a few months old so I didn’t think it would be an issue. Apparently it is. I received a letter to say I needed to send new photos from this month.

So yesterday I scrambled about getting new photos and sending them off ASAP. I’d hoped I could go to London to sort this in person (something I initially wanted to avoid) but since I’ve started the postal process there’s nothing I can do now apparently. Just sit and wait and hope that by Thursday next week I get my passport back. Otherwise, I can’t go to Iceland. I’ll lose a chunk of money but my biggest grievance is losing a holiday and the escape.

My parents, who have always been such a rock to me, are away on holiday at the moment. I know it’s pathetic but it’s been such a struggle with all this and not having them here for advice or just a hug. I know I’m 27 but I’m not embarrassed that my parents are an important part of my life. I won’t lie, there might have been a FaceTime conversation with them where I was just in tears, up to my limit.

But I’ve got great friends around me. When I thought I’d have to go to London on Saturday my university friends, who were supposed to be coming down to see me on that day, were so lovely. Instead of being annoyed, they were there for me, suggesting meeting in London instead or trying to help me in any way. Thankfully they can still come and I cannot wait to see them tomorrow.

Through all this (I appreciate that “all this” isn’t that big a deal compared to other people’s problems) I still have a marathon to run. But running has been my saviour. After an awful day yesterday, an eight mile run just cleared my head and calmed my nerves. If I was injured I’m not sure how I’d be coping. I have the Bath Two Tunnels half marathon on Sunday which I’m using as a training run and pacing a friend which I’m really looking forward to. I’ve just got to focus on the good and fun stuff, stop whining and just GET ON WITH IT.

Sorry for my lengthy rant…

How has your week been?

How do you deal with stress?

Who’s your “rock” when times are tough? I couldn’t be more grateful for my friends and family right now.

August 26, 2015August 26, 2015

Who I am today (part 2)

OK so part 1 was a tough post for me. Having a blog is tricky as there are some things that you don’t feel comfortable talking to the whole world about, but at the same time it’s sometimes important to discuss certain issues however uncomfortable and embarrassing, rather than create a taboo. Part 2 is equally tough but in a different way.

During university I became healthy again both in my body and with my relationship with food. Being relaxed around food makes social occasions and enjoying life in general so much easier, as you can imagine. My relationship with food hasn’t changed. I haven’t regressed to worrying about calories, weight or loss of control. Food is still my friend. Since writing my blog this has been the case. Rest assure that when I show photos of cake, meals and snacks that I’m eating those things and enjoying them.

However I have a keen interest in keeping fit and being healthy. I obviously don’t eat cake every night with abandon. I genuinely enjoy healthy food like salads, vegetables and regularly make ‘sensible’ choices on a daily basis. I choose a handful of nuts as a snack (pistachios being my favourite) rather than a bag of crisps. This is mainly because I know the nuts will be more satisfying and nutritionally sound. When I go to a restaurant and choose a salad from the menu it isn’t because it looks like it’s the lowest calorie option available, it’s because I love salads. And, if you’ve read my blog for a long time, you know I’m likely to order chips on the side or have a Caesar salad which is hardly low calories with that creamy thick dressing!A few years ago I fell in love with running, which wasn’t an issue until I started running a lot more (probably two years ago). I ate well and my weight didn’t change. I’m probably slightly more heavy than I was when I left university at my healthy weight.

But after a while my period stopped again. At this point I was still with Ben. I checked I wasn’t pregnant and was hugely confused. My weight hadn’t dropped – I’m healthy! What’s going on? I went to the doctor (a different one) and explained my issue. They said that as my weight seemed fine (my BMI is in the healthy range) I should go on the pill and it would regulate things back to normal. No problemo.

Long story short, it sort of did, sort of didn’t. I’m ashamed to admit I just ignored the situation. We didn’t want children anytime soon and I knew I was eating properly. I started taking a calcium/vitamin D/magnesium supplement every day just in case and just carried on my merry little way assuming things would eventually become OK.

Ben and me separated and I stopped taking the pill and, well, nothing has changed. It’s funny (well, no it’s not obviously) but when a couple of my favourite bloggers openly discussed their previous problems with this area I didn’t apply it to myself at all. My head was firmly in the sand.

As a runner, injuries are the bane of my training. I’ve somehow mastered to get over half a year with no injuries and I’m over the moon. But in the back of my mind I know I’m walking a tightrope as by not having the proper hormones going on I’m in big danger of stress fractures as my bones might be too weak. Every time someone even mentions stress fractures, or I read about them in magazines or on blogs, I feel sick. It scares the hell out of me.

Taking my head out of the sand, I know this IS NOT NORMAL. I’m pretty sure it’s because I run too much for the weight I’m at. My body was fine at this weight for living life but adding in 30 miles of running a week (and my gym visits) has clearly stressed it out. It’s too busy keeping me running than worrying about ‘pesky’ hormones.

But I can’t give up running. Not yet. It’s a lifeline for me right now. Instead, I’m going to try and put on more weight. More calories = more weight which means (hopefully) kicking my body into gear with more hormones = healthy bones. I won’t lie, it sucks. I like the way I look and no girl really wants to be told she needs to put on weight. But I love running more and knowing how good running feels without being injured only heightens my resolve.

It’s going to be tough. I already eat a lot through the day – it’s not like I miss out meals or go to bed hungry. I’m a three meals plus regular snacks kinda girl! It’s frustrating because I do feel like I eat enough and I don’t count calories or actively maintain a certain weight. That said, I do know where my problem areas are though. I struggle with eating enough on long run days, often only having two meals as I just don’t fancy more and I don’t really eat more on days I exercise compared to days I don’t. Perhaps I think I’m eating lots but in reality for the exercise I do, I’m not. But I have strategies to master this! I know I can add more calories into my diet without necessarily stuffing myself silly every day. My plan:

(I will just add that I know I could eat cake every day – and God knows I really want to – but I need to do this in a fairly healthy way that will also be beneficial to sustaining good running).

Switch almond milk to semi-skimmed milk (more protein, more fat)
Switch my daily low-fat Greek yogurt to full-fat
Eat more nuts
Eat more avocados
Eat more oily fish
Use more coconut oil
Face plant a cake every night

I’ve heard that increasing your fat intake helps regulate hormones which is why there’s a lot more fat there and when I looked at what I normally eat I saw, apart from meat (which I don’t eat all the time), I don’t really eat that much fat at all.

I’m not going to go crazy and I want to do this fairly slowly (otherwise I’ll probably freak out – what girl wouldn’t?). I’ll aim for 5-7 pounds at first and see where that gets me. When I told my mum she said (amongst many other helpful and supportive things), “yep, you definitely need more meat on you”. Point taken, mums know best.

So there we go. However embarrassing these two post have been, I wanted to be honest and wanted to make myself accountable. Though I’m in a great place with food, I’m not perfect and I’m certainly not immune to feeling fat and thinking I look fat at times. This is obviously only going to increase. But it’s got to be done if I want to run healthy and for years to come.

I’m by no means an expert in this area nor do I know lots about food and nutrition so this is very much my own deductions and judgements. Any advice is always welcome.

Do you struggle to refuel properly after long runs?

Have you had any experience in this area?

August 20, 2015

Who I used to be (part 1)

I never intended to write this post. It’s horribly embarrassing and I cringe thinking about. I never talk about it and very few people who know me know about this (or if they do, the details), which is why I’m so reluctant. But there’s an important part 2 which in order to get to I need to talk about this first. Furthermore, in the interest of honesty and the integrity of my blog, I wanted to just ‘get it out there’.

I will quickly start off, however, by saying that the title is entirely accurate. I’m not the person I’m about to describe anymore and nor have I been for a a good long while. (I’m probably overdramatising this sorry, it’s just a really awkward thing for me to ‘discuss’).

In a nutshell this is going to be talking about my relationship with food. It’ll also talk about periods so if this isn’t your cup of tea I suggest you click the close button – I won’t be offended!

When I was at school I never had any issues with food or what I looked like. I played a lot of sport, walked to school and ate crap (ahh turkey twizzlers…). I was slim and healthy. When I went to college I took the bus, I stopped playing sport and still ate crap. I noticed that I had put on a bit of weight. My jeans felt a bit more snug. So I started cycling to college (about eight miles each way) and took a bit more care with what I was eating. I also began weighing myself.

Over a few weeks I noticed my weight was going down. It felt great! Suddenly my jeans fit again. But it quickly became a bit like a drug to see my weight dropping – it was so addictive. I stopped having the same meals as my parents and cooked my own ‘healthy’ meals. Snacks were no longer chocolate bars or crisps. I became more controlling over what I was eating and found myself getting worried if I lost that control. Going out for meals or going to friend’s houses became stressful as I couldn’t eat what I wanted to. I suddenly became fixated with what I was seeing on the scale and how my body was ‘streamlining’.

My period stopped. I panicked but told no one, but I went to the doctors. In my head it wasn’t because I’d lost weight – weight I didn’t need to lose – it was something else I was certain. I’ll never forget that doctor’s trip. She said “maybe you’re cycling a bit too much. Just eat a chocolate bar now and again.” And that was it. Looking back, I needed that doctor to say to me “You’re not healthy” and shake some sense into me. I needed her to say: your bone health is in danger, your future fertility is at risk, your body is in shock.

I was living in a sea of denial and the doctor’s lack of concern validated what I was doing. If she’s not worried, why should I be? Ultimately though it was no one’s fault or responsibility but my own. I remember seeing a friend that I hadn’t seen for a couple of years and she commented how much weight I’d lost. It wasn’t a compliment but I felt buoyed by it. Nothing anyone said, any concern they gave, helped. So perhaps any doctor advice wouldn’t have helped anyway.

Then something snapped. I stepped on the scales, looked at the number and thought “what the hell am I doing?”. I didn’t feel healthy, I didn’t look healthy. I was cold all the time, my skin and hair were lacklustre. I felt crap. Was I any happier at that weight than I had been the last time I got on the scales? No.What exactly was I trying to achieve?

I was never a dangerously low weight and I don’t believe I had an eating disorder, but I do believe I could have gotten myself into a really nasty position had I not woken up from whatever fantasy world I was living in. I was addicted to the weight-loss and thrived on the control I could have over something as simple as food.

I finally opened up to my parents. They were understandably relieved. I remember my sister saying to me that they were so worried about me going to university on my own and that no one seemed to be able to get through to me or talk to me about what was going on.

The summer before going to university my head was in the right place and I got back on track with being healthy and sensible again. I learnt how to cook with my dad so I would go to university with healthy, sustaining recipes. I started eating foods I had been avoiding.

Throughout the first few years of university gradually the weight went back on. I won’t lie, it was a tough process, especially during a time of such change and independence. The fear of suddenly putting weight on and feeling and looking fat was hard to overcome. But eventually the barriers came down, the control was lost and I started to love food rather than fear it. I realised that nothing bad would happen to me by losing that control. In fact, I started feeling miles better: I had more energy, my skin, hair, body all looked better. It did take time but my weight increased and my period started again. You can’t imagine how happy I was!

That was about ten years ago. I’m a vastly different person to that girl in the past. I adore food now. I look forward to every meal. I love trying new restaurants and eating with friends and family. I eat cake with abundance (as you well know). Food is not fuel to me, it is happiness and good times.

This is part 1, I have a part 2 to come to talk a bit more in detail of where I am today.

It was a growing process for me and only one that I could do on my own in my own head. If you’ve never been in that situation or similar then it’s tough to understand something seemingly pathetic and vain, but it does consume you and you do become blinkered. It becomes a mindset and you can’t seem to escape it. I’m obviously thankful I did.

I hope you don’t think I’ve been dishonest in my blog or that I’ve ‘covered’ things up. This is just not a particularly comfortable subject for me as I don’t feel like I have any affiliation with that girl who was so controlling with what she ate. I’m embarrassed how I let it spiral to the point it got to and it’s just not something I like to talk about. But it is important to talk about it and I’m not ashamed of how I’ve grown to be who I am today.

If you are going through something similar or worse and need some advice then email me (annatheappleblog@gmail.com), I’m happy to talk about it further there. Alternatively, Laura’s blog has so much fantastic information and support around this area. She’s brilliant.

If you’re comfortable to answer, have you ever had a difficult relationship with food?

Is food pleasure or fuel for you?

How has your eating habits changed from when you were younger?

August 6, 2015

Getting stronger by moving out of my comfort zone

Morning! And happy Friday eve 😉 I hope your week is going well. Mine has just flown by! I can’t believe I have one more weekend until Cheddar Gorge marathon is here (16th August).

I’ve been reading some reviews and honestly it’s freaking me out. I went onto the Marathon Talk website to see if there was an event already set up for Cheddar Gorge and found some enlightening comments about the race:

Source

To be honest though I’m already aware of how tough the course is as I’ve done the half marathon, which is one lap of the two laps that make up the marathon. So nothing will be a surprise to me. I also know it took me just under two hours to do the half and that was putting some welly into it (my recap is HERE). My expectations are definitely set!

Lately I’ve been really getting into my gym strength training. I’ve surprised myself by actually following the New Rules of Lifting for Women and consequently going to the gym has been far more enjoyable. Having someone (albeit a book) tell me what to do is fantastic! I just follow the routines and get going. I still include some of my standard strength training (single leg strength and plyometrics) but I follow the book’s workouts and the number of repetitions and sets.

Deadlifting

By ‘only’ lifting 15 repetitions and for two or three sets this has meant I can really up my weight and mentally power through because it’s going to end shortly [side note: this is somewhat ironic because in running I feel the opposite; 5ks are short and painful but I hate them and would rather run longer and slower]. I feel strong and hardcore, which is always nice! And there’s a definite sense of progress as you tick through the routines and bump up the weights.

And something else to liven up my workouts was going down to the track on Tuesday night with my running club. As you probably know, I detest short distance running (I’ll rarely ever enter a 5k race other than parkruns). So going down to the track to do specific speed workouts is possibly the worst thing I can imagine.

Why did I go then? Well, it’s easy to stay comfortable in running and let all the runs merge into the same sort of pace. If you don’t challenge your body, you don’t get stronger. Though I’m training for a marathon (or two – finger’s crossed) speed work might not necessarily come to mind as an important workout to incorporate into your training plan…but actually it is important. Perhaps not every week, but definitely having it in there compliments the longer, slower runs.

This is what I kept telling myself as I ran to the track. I parked two miles away so I could get a decent warm-up. Speed work is hard enough for me and I wanted to make sure my body was adequately prepared for this torture.

The plan was to blast 200m, have 30 seconds recovery and repeat three more times. Then have a five minute recovery and repeat the intervals again. In total we did this three times (3x 4x200m). Beforehand we did a mile (ish) warm-up and drills and got going. Honestly my stomach was a ball of nerves. This is ridiculous I do realise. Running for me is usually about enjoyment.

Saying that though, I did really enjoy it. OK not while my lungs were bursting and my legs were pounding, but I felt such a sense of achievement afterwards. It’s funny because I thought five minutes would be ages but really it flew by and I needed every single second of it (which reminded me of Tom William’s in the Marathon Talk podcast talking about his mile training and how long his rests were when he did interval training).

And the whole workout flew by. It was nice commiserating with the others over how painful it was between the intervals and we kept each other motivated. I would never have been able to have done this alone, that is certain.

I ran the two-ish miles back at quite a clip pace as legs felt good. Mainly I wanted to get home for dinner…I should have taken it slower but I was buoyed by the speedy workout. Yes, not sensible I know…

It’s made me realise that the track isn’t the worst thing in the world, and nor is going to the gym. Both have a place in making me stronger, healthy and good at running (I define good by “being able to run as much as I want without injury”). And lifting heavier weights won’t make me bulky or chunky or other ridiculous stereotypes of female weight-lifting. In short, I feel in a really good place right now with my body, my strength and my running. It’s been a while that all three of those things have happened for me together.

In the (very boring) film version of my life, this is where something bad happens…finger’s crossed it doesn’t!

How do you push yourself outside of your comfort zone?

Do you lift weights?

How do you make yourself stronger?

July 29, 2015

Goals

I saw this really cool training journal on Autumn’s blog and straight away wanted one.

The “Believe Training Journal” by Lauren Fleshman and Roisin McGettigan-Dumas

I record all my training (running, strength training, cross-training) in an Excel file on my computer. For runs I record how many miles I did and how it felt (was it a tough run, did I do hills/tempo/easy/etc., did I feel a niggle bugging me?) and for my strength training I record what I did, how many reps, sets and the weights. It’s a great way to record progress, plan for the weeks ahead, see what went right or wrong and monitor any niggles.

I didn’t really ‘need’ a training journal. But there was something about it’s solidity and the physical act of writing and recording things that really appealed to me. So much of what I do is on the computer and typed. I miss writing.

So I bought a copy (from Wordery for under £10 – not an affiliated link).

It’s a year-long training log with added practical advice and motivation peppered throughout to help you reach your goal, whatever that might be. You can write what you’ve done each week and track your training and keep you inline with your goal. It’s a great way to monitor what you’re doing and to stay focused.

I was really excited. I flicked through those pristine pages and couldn’t wait to get started. Ahh the smell of a fresh, blank page.

First things first: what was my goal?

Hmmm. I was stumped. Genuinely stumped. I went through different typical goals in my mind but nothing appealed. I could aim for a better 10k time.

Let’s be completely honest here and say it is highly unlikely I’ll ever get a sub-40 10k time (a very commendable and sought after achievement). So what about a sub-42 minute or even 41? Maybe that’s achievable with the right kind of training. But I’m not interested. It just involves too much pain for what I see as too little gain. I’m actually really content with my current 10k time and feel like that’s a good achievement for me.

A sub-20 5k then? I was so close a few weeks ago. Those seven seconds!

But again, I’m not that bothered. Like I’ve said previously, it’d be so cool to be part of the “sub-20 club” but if it means I have to focus really hard on speed and short sprints…it just doesn’t appeal. And if I got a sub-20, then what? I’m pretty certain my body won’t do much faster.

OK then. As you know, I love marathons. Clearly trying to beat my recent PB would be a great thing to aim for, right?

Surprisingly no. When I think about my next road marathon (potential impending trail ones aside) I keep asking myself what I want to achieve. The first thing is: to enjoy it as much as I’ve enjoyed my past three marathons. I can put my hand on my heart and say I loved those marathons. I have yet to have a nasty or painful marathon experience – I know I’m very lucky and I’m very grateful for that. I truly loved them. That to me is one of the absolute most important things. The second and equally important thing: to not get injured. That old chestnut!

But what time do I want? I honestly don’t know. A lot of my club are running the Bournemouth marathon and it might be nice to just chill out and run with different people and just go with the flow for once. I suppose if I’m entirely honest I’d like another sub-4 hour marathon – but other than that I don’t really mind as long as the first two things apply. In my mind I’ve already got what I really wanted: a successful completion of a marathon (three now), the successful full training of a marathon without major issues, a London Good For Age and a Boston Qualifier [side note: I have every intention of applying for Boston when the application process starts sometime in the autumn].

But it frustrated me that I didn’t have a current goal. I know you don’t really need a goal. Run happy! Run strong! Run healthy! Yes, yes, yes. But I want to have a focus.

I spoke to my dad about it (he always has great advice about running, despite not being a runner). And as usual he had the answers that my tiny brain obviously didn’t. He said if time didn’t matter to me what about the sheer quantity of marathons? How about trying to run as many marathons as I sensibly and healthily could. OK this isn’t a six month goal or even a year goal. It’s a long-term, potentially life-time, goal. I suppose this really is no surprise to anyone. I love marathons (OK I know I’m repeating myself now) and want to do as many as my body will let me. I stress this last point as I know marathons are to be respected. It doesn’t matter how many you do, 26.2 miles is still a bloody long way (the same way that trying to beat a 5k time is still bloody painful). And we all know how injury-prone I am!

Yet to have that as a goal in the back of my mind…it sparked me up. Cheddar Gorge, Bournemouth, London…those are the ones pencilled in for the moment. Again, I stress pencilled as I am only too aware that my marathon-running dreams could easily crumble around me if I’m not sensible with my training. Which is why it’s fairly handy that I have this little book to keep me in check…

Maybe one day I’ll focus on a super fast 5k or 10k time, maybe one day I’ll train for a half marathon itself, rather than have it as part of my marathon training…but not yet.

Do you like to have a goal?

What are your goals?

Do you track and record your training?