Reflections - AnnaTheApple

July 3, 2014

Endure 24 – part 2

Here’s part 2 of my recap of the Endure 24 weekend.

[To catch up check out part 1]

I’d just had a lovely shower. The weather had improved. Things were looking up. I decided to not eat anything before my next run (which at this point was around four hours away, roughly 9.30pm). I was still so full from the chicken and I really didn’t fancy anything. Not even cake <—NOT EVEN CAKE.

Those bastard leggings took so much effort to put on

We cheered on other runners, including Ben, and chilled out for a bit.

The final mile coming round the corner to a windy grassy/muddy stretch

Our running club had a prime location of tents just in front of the change-over point so we could see the clock ticking away at the 24 hours.

Then the weather took a real turn for the worst. Thirty or so minutes before I was due to run the heavens just opened up.

I felt so sorry for my fellow team mate Kate who was running and due to be handing over to me. The downpour happened as she was out on the course and it was relentless.

I reluctantly got into my running shorts, compression socks and vest (lovely and sweaty from my previous run) and got myself ready to go again. I decided to keep my long running leggings for my 3-4am run knowing to keep the real warm stuff for later. Head torches were now required 8pm onwards until 6am.

Bless Ben, he stood waiting with me at the changeover point holding an umbrella and ready to take my coat, despite the fact that he was getting soaked and cold. It was suddenly very dark, very cold and absolutely chucking it down. I was dreading the run now. I was so cold. I got myself into a bit of state of nervousness. Ben calmed me down and said some wise words about how I’ve run in rain before etc. and how I’d be warm within the first mile.

One of my fellow running club friends, Sheryl, was stood there too and I remember her saying “this isn’t fun anymore”. Then her changeover runner came and off she ran for her lap. I stood waiting getting more and more nervous and cold. Then I saw Kate, ripped off my coat and got ready to go.

The first section was fine: all on tarmac. I pumped my arms and tried to get warm ASAP as I got soaked. Finally I stopped feeling the cold. Then I got into the off-road section. It was like a bog. I actually passed a runner holding a large umbrella! I had to shout at him (as politely as I could) to move over so I could overtake.

This was the course and how the rain affected it – from Endure 24 Facebook page

As it became more and more sticky to run and uneven I felt my hip start to niggle. I tried to keep the mantra “what doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger” in my head. But I saw my pace dropping as I struggled to run fast through the thick mud. All I could think in my head was “I can’t let my pace drop, everyone else’s second runs have been a minute or less out from their first runs”.

Darkness had now fully descended and all I had was my head torch to lead the way. As I got into the woods I couldn’t run – the mud was so thick and my hip so painful. I was glad to see others walking as well and not just me but I saw my watch flash my pace and internally I broke. “You’re weak, Anna”. Every step seemed like agony in my hip as my feet slid around. I desperately wanted to catch up with Sheryl so I could run with her as I felt so alone and broken. A 12 minute mile popped up on my watch. I started to cry as I ran/walked the course. The last mile is out of the woods and I tried to speed up. As I finished I saw Ben and I threw myself into his arms in tears.

I’ll briefly pause here. I know this all sounds so very ridiculous (and it only gets worse). Sitting here feeling dry, warm and clean, it seems pathetic. I don’t know why I reacted as I did. Maybe it was because of the pressure I put on myself to achieve a time similar to what my fellow team mates had achieved in the drier, lighter conditions…maybe the fact my hip was so painful again and it had been fine for a while now…the darkness…the feelings of being alone out on a trail…my rapidly declining pace.

Ben asked if I was OK and what was wrong. I suddenly felt so very overwhelmed. I couldn’t get my breath as I tried to tell him. I suddenly couldn’t breathe. I was sobbing but struggling to breathe. I started to panic. I couldn’t breathe. My panic increased. A lovely lady from my club ran to get a paramedic. Finally I calmed down and could breathe again.

I’m not proud of this. In fact I’m deeply ashamed. A panic attack? Seriously? Over what, a rubbish run in a bit of mud? I can’t believe how I reacted. When I got back to my team they asked how it went and I started to cry again. But they were all lovely. When they found out that my hip was hurting they decided (and I reluctantly agreed) that another lap, especially in the middle of the night, would be a bad idea.

I went for another shower only to find the showers were either cold, flooded or the light wasn’t working. In the end Ben helped me douse down my legs with water and dry them with a towel so I could get back into my running leggings and head to bed as it was now past midnight.

Ben had a 1am-ish run and I wished him luck. Unfortunately he turned his ankle on the course (aren’t we pair??) and he came to bed in a lot of pain 🙁 Bad times.

I woke early and cheered on the other runners. I felt like a failure but I was so chuffed for the other runners who ran at ridiculous times during the night. Pretty much everyone ran at least three laps. I ran two. I couldn’t have felt more rubbish.

Ben woke up a bit later and was told by his teammates he couldn’t do his last fourth lap because of his ankle (he wouldn’t have listened to me if I’d have told him not to run). Another lady had torn a ligament in her ankle and Mike had a calf issue. Injuries left, right and centre!

As fellow runners completed their final laps they then went off to collect their medal. This meant they couldn’t do anymore laps as they’d hand in their chip. I didn’t want to get my medal. Part of me was still convinced I could run one more lap. My hip felt OK in the morning…but people still said the course was muddy despite the rain having finally stopped. And part of me didn’t feel like I deserved a medal. I know this is silly, but I felt like I’d let my team down and myself. Just two laps? And a panic attack? Pathetic. The demons in my head were having a field day with me.

Ben, as always, snapped me out of it and told me not to be so ridiculous and go get my medal. He told me I’d run 10 miles and those 10 miles would have helped my team regardless. So I got my medal.

A bittersweet end

Despite my terrible, terrible run and post-run experience I did love Endure 24. I loved the atmosphere with my club, the camping and the experience. I wish so badly my run could have gone better, that I could have done a third lap, but it didn’t pan out that way unfortunately.

Instead I enjoyed cheering the others on and seeing them achieve things they’d never thought they could achieve. Our team did a total of 32 laps between us. The solo runner ran an epic 15 laps (75 miles); how amazing is that? He ended his final lap holding his baby and little girls hand as he crossed the finish line with the club’s flag draped like a cape round his neck. Truly inspiring.

So I’ll be there next year. Endure 24 and me have unfinished business.

Have you ever had a truly terrible race or run?

Have you ever had a panic attack?

Do you put pressure on yourself to perform a certain way? Do you set yourself unrealistic targets?

June 12, 2014

Comparisons

Like a lot of people, I compare myself against others. Are they a better runner than me? Are they faster than me? Stronger than me?

It’s almost automatic. Judgement. One quick look up and down. A flick of the eyes down a list of race results. A furtive glance in the gym. I’m sure we’ve all done it. Perhaps a sweeping generalisation, but I suspect women do it more than men. Is she skinnier than me? Is she prettier than me? But I’m certain men do it too. Are his arms bigger? Does he earn more than me?

I do try my hardest to run my own race. I try not to compare myself to other people. Who knows who’s having a good day or bad day? What training they’ve had. How healthy they are. I think it’s near impossible to stop completely. However, I am a lot better than I was. My achievements and the success I feel are not defined by how anyone else has performed.

The comparisons I’m talking about in this post are comparisons with yourself. How well am I doing compared with how I’ve previously done.

Oh sure that sounds healthy and much better, right? There will always be people faster than you, richer than you, prettier than you, smarter than you, slimmer than you…So it makes sense to compare like with like. Yourself with yourself.

I ran that 5 mile race on Sunday and despite achieving third female and working damn hard in that final stretch to overtake those girls, I was disappointed and annoyed. I couldn’t shake that feeling that I was a rubbish runner and should have done better. Anna last year ran so much faster! And surely I should be even faster now, right? A whole year’s worth of training, so many more races, more experience…what happened?

I now realise how ridiculous this all sounds. If I’d have had a good amount of consistent, injury-free training then of course I should be disappointed and should have pushed harder. But I didn’t have a stretch of injury-free training and I couldn’t push harder. Physically my body couldn’t have gone faster. I should be proud of what I achieved considering how my running had been.

Basically it takes a bit of perspective and a lot of shaking myself. You’re an idiot Anna. Get back on the horse and work hard and sensible for the next goal. Don’t dwell on coulda, woulda, shoulda.

Comparisons will never disappear. We’ll keep making them. But just remember to see the context. Did you put in a good amount of effort? Did you try your best? Maybe your best today wasn’t as good as your best last year, but it’s still your best. So accept it and move on. Learn from it if you can and see the positives of what you’ve managed to achieve. Because I’m pretty sure someone’s looking and wishing they were as good as you.

Do you compare yourself with others?

Do you compare yourself with yourself?

June 6, 2014

Running ain’t cheap

Being ill really sucks. I couldn’t believe that I woke up Monday morning, after getting back from North Wales the afternoon before, feeling incredibly sick. I thought it was just something I ate but as the day progressed I just felt worse and worse. Luckily (?) I had the day off from work anyway so I just laid on the sofa in a miserable state of achiness and lethargy.

All that fresh air and I get ill! Unbelievable. Well it took until Tuesday evening before I felt human again. Ben woke up feeling rough on Tuesday as well so we had a day off work together, both pathetically lying on the sofa. At least we’d recently signed up to Netflix so we just watched a lot of Breaking Bad (sooooo good).

I went to work on Wednesday feeling much better. We had another RR10 race that evening and had planned on going but I got stuck in ridiculous traffic (how many times have I moaned about my commute??). I think this was actually probably for the best as I’m still gently getting back into running and decided to do a solo run on my own instead when I got home.

As soon as I got moving I knew I felt terrible. My legs felt like they had weights on the bottom of them. Everything just felt so hard. I guess I wasn’t fully healed from my illness. Ho hum. I just hope I start feeling a bit better for Sunday as we have a 5 mile race (the Beer and Cake race – we did it last year and loved it. Here’s my recap). I know I need to adjust my expectations for it though as I am no where near the shape I was in last year.

Interestingly Ben had a very similar run to me on Wednesday evening. He decided to go for the RR10 (he got home in time – the joys of only working 20 minutes away). He said he felt very lethargic and it was a rubbish run. Guess we both need to take more time before jumping back into running post illness!

Before the illness swooped down and knocked me over, on Monday morning Ben and me headed out to buy some trails shoes for the RR10 on Wednesday (thinking I was going). We got buy one get one free on trainers so Ben got another pair of road trainers and I got some racing flats.

This means recently we’ve bought new road trainers, new trail shoes, racing flats and walking boots for us. Four pairs of new shoes each!! I cringe at the cost of all this…Don’t tell me running is a cheap sport!

In a month these are the things Ben and me regularly buy or spend because of running:

New running gear – whether that’s trainers, socks, tops, shorts, runderwear, etc.)
Race entries – this year we’ve entered a total of 14 races each and this is likely to increase as the year progresses. Some are local and cheap (£9 what a bargain!) to Jesus are you serious (hello, Great South Run – over £40!)
Physio and massages – thanks to seeing Kyle and him being so damn convenient it’s very easy to have a massage every week to keep our legs fresh and cheerful. But then the bad times mean serious physio visits to fix injuries, which are more expensive (£40 a pop).
Gels and hydration – we’re big fans of High5 gels and water tablets and when we get into marathon training we’ll be getting through them again (though I plan on avoiding too many gels this time around, more on that another time).
Food – more running = more food needed. I am like a food (cake?) machine when it comes to running longer distances and higher mileage weeks. And Ben (and maybe me…) just rinses out our chocolate fridge shelf (everyone has a chocolate shelf right?).
Plasters – for every run Ben uses two blister plasters for his nipples (he’s going to kill me for putting this on the blog). Don’t get me wrong, they’re not expensive but do you know how many boxes of blister plasters we get through?? They have to be specifically blister plasters as well – normal ones won’t do apparently!
Cross training – road bikes, gym memberships, swimming sessions, etc.
Misc – cost of parking for races, petrol to get to races (flights & hotels even), cups of tea after Parkrun in the coffee shop, Vaseline/chafing stuff, the amount of extra washing we do with running gear, going for a meal after a big race…

Yeah it isn’t cheap. Oh sure we could knock a load of stuff off that list but at the moment it’s OK. We don’t have children, don’t plan to have children for a fair while, and we both have decent jobs. I suppose you could say we work to run!

But it’s our passion. We don’t go out boozing every weekend and we don’t spend lots of money eating out regularly. We’re fairly boring in that we like to run, so we run a lot. And that’s just the way of life for us right now.

What passion do you have that isn’t free?

Do you spend a lot of money on workout gear?

Do you workout when you’re ill?

May 14, 2014May 10, 2016

A long way to go

This year has been very strange in terms of running. I started the year feeling absolutely pants, recovering from a stubborn injury. I got back into running fairly slowly when my knee started to hold up and began gaining back speed and things were going well.

Then after the Reading half (not many weeks before the marathon) I was struck down with another injury (sprained ligament in my ankle). Luckily because it was such an acute injury it went away as quickly as it appeared (just over two weeks). But it knocked my training and made me readjust my expectations for the marathon.

The marathon happened and I did so much better than I could have dreamed. No issues, a GFA and a great experience. Off the back of that though it has been quite a tedious time with running. I love it still, don’t get me wrong. But gaining back speed has been a tough old slog. I’m nowhere near where I was this time last year in terms of my parkrun times and I don’t feel as confident a runner as I used to be.

I’ve been going to regular club training sessions, parkruns and the odd race but things don’t seem to be there as easily as before. I know it’s just time, but I’m so impatient. Though I’m over the moon for my running friends and husband getting PBs, it’s frustrating for me that my PBs were achieved last year when I was in peak condition so my chance of beating them soon are slim.

This was evident when I really tried to go for it at parkrun on Saturday. I had my game-face on, the course was the flat five laps around the cricket pitch, and I was feeling ready.

I got 21:32 (2nd female) which is over a minute away from my PB. I really pushed it and felt shattered afterwards.

I know I can get the speed back if I consistently train and do the right sessions, I’m just having a moan. I know I am very lucky to be able to run and enjoy it – don’t get me wrong. Since my numerous injuries, I am very grateful for every run and I know injuries are so easy to get. My runs could be numbered at any point. I just feel a bit useless at the moment with my running.

I also had the worst run of my entire life. I’m taking part in our running club’s league races (Hampshire RR10s) and we had one last Wednesday night. The races are typically 4-5miles long, off-road and undulating. This one was in the New Forest.

Ben and me met up with the rest of the club and warmed up.

Ah those happy faces, unaware of what was to come

I started ridiculously fast. Like stupid fast. It was downhill and I was just like “la, la, la, I’m so speedy”. Then hit the wall and the wheels came off spectacularly on mile two. It was painful, horrible and I thought at one point just to stop.

Thankfully, I didn’t. I zipped up my woman-suit (girl version of man-suit) and just persevered. There was so much thick mud to get through it was a nightmare. Then a lovely long hill for 3/4 mile at the end. Joy.

My lovely new Run Mummy Run compression socks fully Christened with mud on their first outing

I’ve never been so glad for a race to be over. I’m not joking when I say I’d rather do the marathon again than that race. Too fast, stupid pacing, too much mud. A silver lining at least was that I got 11th female and first female in my club.

Because I knew that I worked very hard at the RR10 and I was also aiming for a good time on Saturday’s parkrun, when Ben and me signed up to the Alton 10 miler race on Sunday I knew straight away I didn’t want to race it. But Ben was keen to go for a PB (honestly, that boy is on fire. He got a PB at parkrun! I’ll be watching my back soon – he was nine seconds behind me). Ben’s 10 mile PB was 1:26:xx but that was last October and he’s made some great improvements since then so it was clear he would PB (providing all went well). It just depended on by how much of a PB it would be. He wanted 1:18. So I said I’d pace him as that was still quite a comfortable speed for me. Not an easy run, but not a racing speed (my PB is 1:15, of which I’m not happy with but let’s not go there).

The run was well organised and the course was very scenic – think traditional little British villages and farms. But undulating and windy on the day.

We ran fairly steady. I struggled a little bit due to a slightly niggling hip (let’s not talk about it) but other than that it went fine. Ben ran well and achieved his goal with time to spare – an 8 minute 1 second PB.

He was over the moon, as you can imagine. Two PBs in one weekend. Nice work, hubby!

Running is never easy. You really have to put a lot of hard, consistent work in to get good stuff out. I know I’ll get there again, it just takes time.

Have you ever felt frustrated with your ability?

Is your other half into sports or fitness? Do you compete against each other? I never want to race against Ben. I’m sure he’ll get faster than me at some point but I don’t mind. I’m happy that he’s doing so well. I never want to compare his performance against mine. It would be silly anyway considering he’s male and I’m female!

Have you ever been paced or have ever paced someone else in a race?

April 22, 2014

Recent Runnings – bank it while you can

Happy belated Easter. Hope everyone had a nice weekend and extended time off (if you were so lucky to have the Friday and Monday off). I also hope lots of chocolate was enjoyed. Because let’s be honest that’s what it’s really all about (joke!).

The past week I’ve had a good amount of running. In fact, I’ve hit both running club sessions, Parkrun and a longish run with the guys from the club on Sunday. I’ve never managed that all before – usually I have to run on my own at least once.

Tuesday night was a hard incline intervals session. I felt strong running and though I hated it I did enjoy it – if that makes sense? It was tough but a good kind of tough. In the end I ran 7.8 miles. I definitely felt it the next day though!

Wednesday was no running but I did 45 minute’s in the gym working on my calves, hamstrings, glutes and core. Boring but necessary.

Thursday night was a longer than expected run with running club. I wasn’t looking for a speedy run at all as my legs felt so heavy from Tuesday. I’m really just not used to intervals anymore. So I was just wanted some good miles with good company. Well I did get some good company. But I just found it very hard.

I ran down to the meeting spot (which is just over a mile), then joined with a group who weren’t intending on blasting it. The only thing is it was off-road and there were several hills. In fact, our leader was actively looking for hills. I really struggled and felt really tired afterwards. I didn’t feel my usual amazing buzz. So I saw this as a ‘warning run’. A ‘don’t be stupid and try and jump too quickly back into things’ run. I’ve just done a marathon (and off the back of returning from injury and not having a great training lead-up). I cannot let the marathon and my results make me think I’m invincible. One run does not change you (I think those were Hollie’s wise words).

Hollie has been giving some great advice recently. For example, running and racing are like gambling. Quit while you’re ahead. That doesn’t mean quit running, but don’t think if you get a really good time or PB that suddenly you can keep racing every weekend and smash out good times all the time. Bank that result, take some recovery time, and then race again when you’re fresh and ready. Sound advice which I’m trying to follow.

After a rest day Friday, it was Parkrun on Saturday. I went for an easier pace to compensate for the tough Thursday. In fact, I loved it! Ben and me ran with some running club friends and helped out one of them to get a PB for the course.

It was great fun cheering and encouraging him round and seeing how chuffed he was at the end. We kept to around 8 min/mile pace which was perfect for me.

Sunday I was still feeling tired from the running so I was looking forward to a nice easy-paced longish run with some guys (and Ben) from the club. It’s really nice now that Ben’s properly into running and improving all the time that we can run together more now. Before when he first started it just wasn’t possible. Gotta watch my back soon I think 😉

We just managed to miss the rain thankfully! But it was very cold starting out.

It was quite funny because we actually got lost from half of the group and then had to make a quick and precarious dash across a gold course to get back. Scary times! Not sure the golfers appreciated us there…

This week is all about the RR10 (Hampshire Road Racing league) on Wednesday night. I plan on running an easy run on my own tonight and then (depending how I feel) pushing it on Wednesday so see where my paces are at. It’s all about position rather than time which I find annoying. I much prefer to compare myself to myself with my time than compare myself to others in terms of placing. Hey ho, all good speed work and lots of the club will be there.

And cake. There’s always cake 😀

How have your workouts been lately?

Do you quite while you’re ahead when you’re running really well? I’m just terrified that I’ll get injured. You always hear people getting injured when they’re doing so well in their running…I have no major races coming up so I have no reason to push everything hard.

Do you take part in any club leagues?