Reflections - AnnaTheApple

July 28, 2016

An introvert among extroverts

I wrote the below post on the plane coming back from the fitness retreat. I felt a bit down and needed to vent my feelings. Sorry if it sounds pathetic and self-involved but I thought it might speak to others who’ve felt the same way in similar social environments…

Though I had an absolutely fantastic time at the fitness retreat, pushing myself in crazy ways and doing things I never thought I’d do, there were elements of the week that really had an effect on me, and not in an entirely good way.

I went there with the intention to learn more about strength and nutrition, and to hopefully get an idea of how to balance my love of running with my love of strength training. I’d say I definitely achieved this. I came away feeling strong and proud of my body’s physical ability.

What I didn’t expect was feeling like my personality wasn’t good enough. In a group of very bubbly and outgoing individuals I tend to step back and let the big personalities take centre stage. I’m happy with that. I’m not shy per se, I’m just more introverted and not as confident with people I don’t really know.

Normally that’s fine. But it’s really hard when you’re spending six days straight with these bubbly, loud strangers who you normally wouldn’t socialise with. Not because they’re horrible or nasty, but just because they’re not you’re kind of people. Everyone is different, right? Everyone has their social circle they feel comfortable in.

The social butterfly girls clicked and gossiped. Their lives so different to mine; the cosmopolitan lifestyle of London living or the confidence that comes with being a good looking blonde that the boys flock around meant I didn’t quite fit. I couldn’t relate to their drinking stories, their dating habits and interests. And I would often let them do the talking while I sat quietly. And the problem for me was that I let this get under my skin when I found myself less included.

I’m not the type of person who can blend in to any social situation. I can’t force myself to be loud and “out there”. I can’t invent stories to make myself relatable or change my personality. So I faded away into the background. I felt like I didn’t become a significant member of the group. If I wasn’t there it wouldn’t have mattered I’m sure.

When we went on the night out I’m embarrassed to say I could have cried. I know this sounds so very dramatic but I’ve never felt so uncomfortable with my own personality before. I’m not going to neck back drinks to “come out of my shell”. And when someone keeps saying to you to loosen up, have some fun, “come on Anna you’re so quiet”, you can’t help but think something is wrong with you. And this only pushed me further into the shell that I never realised I had in the first place. I would have left early but I was dependent on the others with how to get back to the gym complex.

Funnily enough I felt far more at ease with the boys (or at least some of them, others were less forgiving of my personality – see above comments). I didn’t feel as left out or judged. When the girls decided to go off and do a “Victoria Secret workout” one morning, I went down to the strength area of the obstacle course with a bunch of the boys and had a thoroughly good time getting sweaty and dirty lifting heavy logs and tires about. We had a laugh and it felt brilliant to not feel as self-conscious.

I suppose what shocked me most was how I let these feelings bother me: feeling not good enough, insignificant and unimportant. I thought I was a fairly confident person but I suddenly felt stripped down to someone I didn’t recognise and looking back seems so silly now.

I know I’m not an awful person that no one wants to be friends with. Of course I know this. I have a bloody fantastic group of friends and with them I can say and do anything and they GET me.

In a place where I felt so strong in my body and confident with my body image I never imagined I’d feel so insecure about my personality and who I actually was. Without dwelling too much on this point, it obviously it doesn’t help being single and going through a divorce. You can’t help but wonder what’s wrong with you.

Anyway, now I’m back and in the “fold” of my friends and family I know how ridiculous it was to let it bother me. They weren’t “my people”. Not everyone is of course. I can’t change who I am and I’m just glad I have a good bunch of people who accept that.

Have you ever felt like this?

Do you think you have a high or low self-esteem? I think my self-esteem has taken a bit of a beating recently.

Would you say you’re an introvert of extrovert?

June 2, 2016June 28, 2019

Tough decisions and hamstring tendinopathy

As I mentioned in a previous post, running and me are having issues. Running is never simple for me. I really should know what’s what by now but still I make mistakes (and some I’ve made so many times before).

I suppose it’s to be expected when you do something for so long and so often, and when you’re as injury prone as I am (and as stupid…). As I said, I should have taken a break from the marathon. I’ve already promised myself that I will next time and have instructed my parents to take my trainers away from me for at least a week after Chester in the autumn to ensure this actually happens. But anyway, I didn’t take a rest post Boston and here I am, feeling the effects of being over-trained, a niggly hamstring (more on that in a bit) and an indifference to running.

Luckily I have no races coming up and I’m in a nice comfortable position to take a break (a bit late but hey ho). Though I’m still doing parkrun as I can’t quite give that one up (like I’ve said so many times, it’s more than just a run). I made the tough decision to not do the Cakeathon on Monday. Too far to go for a race I wasn’t up for and it wasn’t fair to make my dad to give up a day’s holiday and drive me there. Only then for me to then undoubtedly have a crap race and be grumpy for the three-hour drive home.

Similarly, I was signed up ready to do Endure24 in a couple of weeks time which I’ve decided not to do anymore. It involved being part of a group of eight and running laps of five miles for 24 hours as a relay. It was going to be a great weekend of camping, larking about and running but realistically I know I wouldn’t have the best time. I a) would feel a bit down because I wouldn’t be able to run much (having barely done more than a parkrun for the past three weeks) or b) would be tempted to run too much and probably turn my hamstring into a full-blown injury. As my marathon training is due to start in July it’s risky business. I don’t want to start a training cycle injured. I’m very sad to miss out on all the fun but realistically I need to be sensible.

So my hamstring. Well it’s been niggling since before the Boston marathon as I said. Kind of came out of nowhere as a tightness and now it’s more of a niggle. I can run through it – it’s not painful or sharp, just a bit of a nagging discomfort that I can’t seem to shift. I don’t think doing deadlifts at the gym helped things. It seemed no worse after running (hence why I kept running – I have learnt something at least).

I’ve seen a physio and had a sports massage and both seem convinced it’s nothing serious, just a mild case of hamstring tendinopathy. After Googling it (obviously) and then proceeding to fall into a well of depression and despair I realise it’s actually not as bad as all the people online seem to have it. Whew.

What exactly is hamstring tendinopathy? Basically it’s a pain in the bum – high up on the hamstring, just under your butt cheek. The tendon that connects the hamstring muscles to the sit bone becomes painful. Things like prolonged sitting, running hills and sprinting can aggravate it. Thankfully my niggle isn’t full-blown tendinopathy but it could get there if I’m not careful. It is an annoying thing to get rid of though it seems as it’s a tough place for blood to reach and heal and because it’s not inflammatory, there’s little that icing can do. However, you can help things along with strengthening the tendon and massage.

Here’s where my friend the tennis ball has come into play…

Oh how my glutes do not enjoy this. Also, my sports massage therapist gave me a nice tip: sit on the tennis ball on a firm chair so you can roll you hamstring more easily as it’s tricky to do on the floor.

And I’ve been doing lots of strengthening exercises as well. Ideally the exercises you want for this are eccentric exercises. I received good advice from my physio and sports therapist and also online (good article HERE). I am obviously not a trained sports or medical anything, but I thought this might be useful if anyone has been/is in a similar boat. The exercises I’m doing regularly are:

Bridges

Lying on your back with your feet flat on the ground and shoulder-width apart, raise your bum towards the celling using your glute muscles trying not to arch your back (keep your body in a straight line).

I found the bridges to be quite easy as I’ve done them many times before so I straight away moved to single leg bridges, taking one foot off the ground and moving one leg up and down in a controlled movement, not allowing hips or bum to drop. At first I could feel the niggle when doing it (no pain, just an awareness) and now I feel nothing.

Hamstring Curls Using a Swiss ball

Lying on your back with your feet on a Swiss ball and arms by your side, roll the ball in towards you by bending your legs until your knees are above your hips, again not arching your back and using your glutes and hamstrings. Then straighten your legs, rolling the ball away from you in a controlled manner. Again you can progress to single leg versions of this.

Nordic Hamstring Curl

This is quite an advanced movement and tricky to set-up if you’re on your own. Basically you anchor your feet and calves to something stable (or have someone hold them) and then, while maintaining a straight-line from your shoulders to your knees, you bend forwards at the hips using your hamstrings to control the movement until you either cannot maintain the position any longer or you reach the ground. It’s a great hamstring isolating exercise.

Planks

Obviously good old fashioned core work helps as well. Planks are great for this and so easy to do at home. I mix it up with different variations, such as raising one leg (using my glute muscle) and then lowering again, or stepping out to the side while maintaining control and stability, or a new-to-me plank the supine version where you’re facing up rather than down (adding in leg lifts for this is great for targeting the hamstrings and glutes too).

Side planks

Side planks as well are good for focusing on any weakness you might have on the different sides of your body. Raising one leg makes things more challenging.

I’m limiting my running and supplementing the above exercises with my usual gym work (though no deadlifts or really heavy squats at the moment). I don’t feel depressed that I’m not running, I’m just frustrated with myself for allowing this to happen again. And sad to miss out on a couple of good races. But these things happen and hopefully I won’t make such obvious errors in the future.

Have you ever had a hamstring injury or niggle?

Do you do any exercises regularly that keep you injury free?

Have you had to DNS from any races lately?

May 25, 2016

I’ve lost my running mojo

Despite having such a fantastic 100th parkrun general experience on Saturday, the running itself was fairly rubbish. I know I only have myself to blame for this of course.

I say it every single time but I never follow through: “I’ll take a couple of weeks off of running after my marathon”. Then lo and behold, I don’t. I know I’m stupid. I just love running – especially the mental side of it and the thought of not doing it for a few weeks isn’t particularly appealing to me. And after Boston I was on such a running high I just wanted to keep going. I thought by not pushing any sort of hard pace I’d be OK. Run easy runs, shorter than I did previously, and I’d be fine. But the love that was there was slowly dwindling away as the training and the race caught up with me and I’m now not enjoying it.

It doesn’t help that my hamstring still isn’t 100%, though it’s never worse after running and some runs feel absolutely fine whereas others I can feel the slight niggle. To be honest, I think deadlifting at the gym has aggravated it *sighs*.

So anyway, Saturday’s run felt like such a grind and my hamstring was niggling slightly (probably due to my Friday deadlifts). I’d planned to run a long run on Sunday to reattempt my previous failed 16 miles from the week before. I felt demotivated going to bed, I felt demotivated when I woke up and I was dragging my heels to get myself out the door. And when I finally did, I felt my hamstring as soon as I started and that was all the excuse I needed to throw the towel in. I must have looked like a bit of loon to anyone nearby as it was literally a 30 second run from the front door and then me turning around saying out-loud “no, nope. Not happening”.

I was at my parent’s house so when I stormed back into the house moments after leaving my dad said, “Didn’t go well, then? I thought you might be back sooner than expected…” apparently my lack of running mojo was evident before I left. I wasn’t even that upset. I was relieved. This tells me something that should have been fairly evident to me: I need a rest.

I’ve done too much post-marathon. I should have taken a full week off at least. I was just on that post-marathon “I love running, everything’s awesome!” feeling and was looking ahead for the Cakeathon.

Unfortunately the Cakeathon is hurtling towards me quickly and it’s not a race I want to DNS…That said, it’s not a race I want to travel three hours to (dragging my dad with me) on a Bank Holiday Monday and then not enjoy it. It was such a great race last year I don’t want to mar that memory.

So what’s the plan? Well, I’m not running all week. I’ve made that absolutely certain because I left my trainers at my parent’s house. No temptation there. Then I’ll try parkrun on Saturday. If I feel a) tired/heavy legged, or b) demotivated, or c) my hamstring feels niggly, then I won’t go. It’ll be such a shame obviously but, at the same time, it’s not worth trying to recreate how amazing last year was. It wouldn’t be the same.

Have you ever lost your running/exercise mojo?

How do you motivate yourself?

How far are you willing to travel for a race?

May 19, 2016

Fun Questions – The Liebster Award 2016

A few weeks ago I was been nominated for The Liebster Award by runner extraordinaire Lucy from EuroGirlRunning and thought I’d get involved. I’ve been nominated a couple of times before (check out THIS ancient post; my love for ribs has been going on for some time!) and it’s always fun because it’s proves for generally quite random post.

The Liebster Award is just a nice blogging thing where you shout out to some blogs you’re enjoying currently. You get some questions to answer from the person who nominated you, then you pass on some of your own questions to other bloggers you nominate. Nice little chain. Now onto the questions!

1. Is there a sport you’d love to try, but haven’t yet? What is it and why?

Generally at school I did loads of sports. I was kind of a Jack of all trades and a master of none. For example, I was part of the basketball team. I’m 5ft4. I also did cricket, hockey, gymnastics and trampolining. I’d love to get into mountaineering and rock climbing though. My granddad was and still is an amazing mountain trekker and climber and has been all over the world scaling dizzy heights and teaching others. It’s just a bit expensive sadly (with all the gear and me having no idea) and the fact that the South Coast is generally quite flat.

2. Where did you go on your last holiday?

Boston…I won’t harp on about it again!

3. Who inspires you the most?

As cheesy as it sounds, my parents. They’re such hardworking and giving people. They also know not to take life too seriously.

Growing up our house was always full of laughter. Granted, things were often disorganised and a bit chaotic (and I blame them entirely for my poor time-keeping skills ) but they showed me that life is not a rehearsal. I have a fantastic relationship with them today and without them last year would have been really hard. And they have such a strong, loving relationship. Of course they argue, but they are the definition of soul mates. They don’t compute without each other. Unfortunately this instilled in me that love was everlasting and sadly I found out this wasn’t entirely true for everyone.

4. Why do you blog?

First and foremost because it’s a nice cathartic process and I love keeping a record of how races went (not just split times), how my training was and just things in general happening in my life. I enjoy the process of writing it, taking photos and just recapping things of significance. If no one read my blog, I’d still write it.

Secondly, I love the blogging/running community. If my blog is helpful to just one person then that makes me happy. I love reading people’s comments and I also enjoy reading other people’s blogs and commenting on the things they’re getting up to. I’ve made some good friends through blogging

5. What’s number 1 on your bucket list?

Currently it’s doing all the Marathon Majors. So far I’ve done Berlin and Boston. Next up is Tokyo, then London, New York and Chicago. Then you get a HUGE medal to say you’ve done them all. Other than that, I’m not sure. There’s nothing I’m absolutely dying to do or go.

6. What’s your happiest memory?

I have several really good memories. One of them was finishing my last exam at university. My friend Charlotte, who was on the same course, and me arranged a day of fun straight afterwards…silly things that we loved like getting a Starbucks, eating sushi, going to the cinema and eating lots of sweets. The sensed of relief we felt finishing that exam and essentially our entire degree was AMAZING. We’d done this each year after finishing our last exam. Hilariously we managed to recreate the first year’s post-exam photo at the cinema each time.

We had good fun doing this! (Let’s not talk about my hair in the first photo, clearly the first year exam’s were quite stressful for me…).

Another good memory was picking up Alfie and driving him home. He was such a tubby little puppy. I remember feeding him a bit of apple (the only other being I’d voluntarily share my apple with, true story) and he then threw it up on my lap. Ahh good times.

7. If you could be someone else for a day, who would you be?

Hmmm. This sounds weird, but maybe the queen? I find it bizarre to imagine her getting up in a morning, eating breakfast and that sort of thing. What’s her life on a daily basis like?? We only ever see this perfect, austere women in the public eye. It’d just be a great insight, not that I particularly fancy being an old lady for a day.

8. Road or trail?

I like road for properly racing and trail for taking my time and enjoying the scenery. Either are good. I just love running

Cheddar Gorge Marathon

9. What’s your dream job?

I’d love to work for parkrun. Sounds weird but I just love parkrun and I love what they’re doing for running and the community. Whether I’d be any good is another story though and I’m sure it’s not “all the feels” that running is in reality. As a fun job though probably something involving eating cake. Like a cake taster. I don’t care that that might not be a real job. I’d make it a job.

10. What was your favourite race/event?

The Cakeathon was pretty damn good last year and I’m SUPER excited to do it again this year (in less than two weeks). So relaxed, so much fun, lovely people, LOTS OF CAKE and the best medal of my life.

And for the past three years I’ve done the Romsey Beer and Cake 5 mile race. It’s a tough course but I just love it. It’s the only short distance race I genuinely enjoy. Nothing about the cake at the end obviously…

There were obviously loads of blogs to nominate to answer my questions, but here are a selection of good’uns ]who I thought might be tempted to get involved…

Maria @ RunningCupcake // Mary @ AHealthierMoo // Jane @ ExtremeKnitting // Steph @ BeyondTheSofa // Jemma @ CeleryAndCupcakes // Kat @ KatalystHealth //Staci @ TheGirlRuns

And here are my questions:

1. If you could have only one meal for the rest of your life what would it be?

2. On a similar note, what would be your last meal on Earth?

3. If you could have a superpower what would it be?

4. What annoys you the most in life that other people do/don’t do?

5. What’s your favourite movie?

6. If you had to dress up in fancy dress, who/what would you be?

7. What’s your biggest weakness?

8. Favourite exercise and why?

9. If you could go back in time and tell yourself something when you were at school, what would it be?

10. If you could only RACE one distance ever again, what distance would it be?

But feel free to answer these questions in the comments – I’d love to hear your answers!

January 14, 2016

Fear of being an adult

This is a random post but something that struck me the other day.

When I was at school I was confident and self-assured. I knew what I was good at and I focused on those areas (who needs science anyway, right…?). I loved English Literature and English Language, I loved drama (I even did a Speech and Drama course outside of school which involved competitions and exams in reading prose, poetry and general acting) and loads of sports. I won’t lie, I was a proper boffin and proud of it.

Wow, found this photo of me probably aged 15

I didn’t care if I wasn’t in the ‘popular’ groups or if the cool guys didn’t fancy me. I was never more happy than getting good marks which I worked hard for. It didn’t come naturally but I enjoyed putting the work in to get the good stuff out.

I got good grades through school, applied for a good university and then, BAM, hit an ocean full of similar hard-working high achievers. All my self-confidence disappeared as I was no longer the top in anything anymore. In fact, I was pretty average at best. Despite that, I did achieve a good degree and applied left, right and centre for all the graduate jobs. Then when I had no luck there, all other good but non-graduate jobs. Then ANYTHING. 2009 was a rubbish time to come out of university with a Psychology degree that didn’t really qualify you for anything specific. My confidence was royally destroyed.

My first job was in a call centre for an insurance company reading a script about 150 times a day. I lasted two months before getting the hell out of there and into a basic admin job. To save you the boring details, a year and half later I finally hit gold with the job I’m in at the moment. I enjoy it and it pays well. OK it has nothing to do with my degree and it wasn’t what I always dreamed of doing when I was younger, but it’s a career I’m happy to continue with and progress.

But something happened to me after finishing school. I lost all my self-confidence in my intelligence and my abilities. I literally spend every single day convinced that someone will turn around and say to me, “Err, Anna, why are you here?”. I’m convinced they’ll realise I’m no good and fire me. I’m not saying I don’t do a good job or that I shirk work… It’s just I don’t have the same confidence I had when I was at school when I knew exactly where I was in the world.

I see everybody else around me as more competent and more worthy to be where they are. I think they look at me and wonder how I’m still here. I work hard, don’t get me wrong, but I sometimes feel out of my depth and lost. I’m often asking lots of questions and feeling stupid.

And it’s not just work. Despite being a fairly experienced runner, being generally quite fit and healthy and knowing pretty much what I’m doing, I still think that everyone else at the gym or at races are far more experienced than me. At the gym I think people look at me doing my squats and judge me on my form, my depth and the weight I’m using. Or they look at me in the race line-up and wonder why I’m not further back. I’m pretty sure no one cares but the irrational part of my brain truly believes that everyone thinks I’m clueless. This is despite the fact that I’ve been going to that gym and running for over three years now.

To be honest, it’s a general feeling of “am I really an adult?”. Leaving the bubble of academia and entering the Big Wide World is scary. Dealing with bills, moving house, thinking about divorce… it feels like I shouldn’t be dealing with this. I thought at some point a switch would be flicked on and I’d be an Adult. I’m still 15 in my head, wishing for someone else to show me what to do.

Will I ever feel like I’ve “got this” and I’m in the driver’s seat knowing exactly where I’m going and what I’ll find along the way? I don’t know. Maybe everyone feels this way but we’re all so good at faking it and acting confident when really we’re just all 15 year olds playing at life…

Do you feel like you’re an adult?

What’s the most scary ‘adult-like’ thing you’ve had to do?

Do you feel confident in the different areas of your life?